WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say it has been a tumultuous last couple of weeks for Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci would be quite the understatement.
First, he was named as the new White House Communications Director, overseeing the ouster of both former Press Secretary Sean Spicer and former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. He made a good appearance the first day on the job in the press briefing room, but then did a catastrophic, impromptu call-in interview on CNN. As if that weren’t awkward enough, just days later Scaramucci’s wife filed divorce.
Then, just hours after Priebus replacement, General John Kelly, took over as Chief of Staff, Scaramucci resigned as Communications Director. A new twist, however, might mean that not everything has grown impossibly dark for Mooch.
“Here you go, Mooch, I wanted you to have this,” Spicer told Scaramucci as he held out a small trophy, “you earned this.”
The trophy had a simple inscription on a small plaque, affixed to its base. The inscription read, “Presidential Administration Participation Trophy July 2017 to A Little Later in July 2017.” Scaramucci grabbed Spicer and the two men embraced.
“Thank you, Sean,” Mooch said, dabbing a tear from his eye after a solid three minutes of hugging Spicer, “This means so much to me. Of all the people in the world, I know you get me right now. You feel me. You love me – ”
Spicer cut him off.
“Let’s not go too far, Mooch,” Spicer said, “Don’t want either one of us getting caught trying to such each other’s cock, right?”
Mr. Spicer began laughing. He slapped Scaramucci on the back. Then, Mooch started laughing too. The two shared a truly uproarious laugh for what felt like a minute to sources close to the situation.
“You know, this job is a lot harder than people make it seem,” Spicer said, “I mean, most people have no idea how hard it is to read words written down for you off a piece of paper and not stumble over them.”
“Yeah, and people have no idea how hard it is to do an interview without mentioning that someone close to the president is an attention whore who tries to suck his own cock,” Scaramucci said.
Mr. Spicer took a slight step away from Mooch.
“I can’t really say I did that one,” Spicer said, “but I did imply that Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons. And there was a new, more embarrassing meme made out of my words every day, period.”
The new former communications director shook his head. He knew exactly how Spicer felt, he told him. Mooch said losing his wife to a divorce was “tough,” but something else was “even more tougherer” than that.
“I left before someone could play me on SNL,” Scaramucci said, “and I heard that Mario Cantone guy was going to do it if the amorphous blob of hedge fund money and cliches wasn’t available.”
Spicer said that Scaramucci might end up “being happier in the long run.”
“Trust me, Mooch,” Spicer said, “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. If you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my new job.”
Mooch stopped Spicer. He asked Spicer where he’s working, since he was now in need of a job for himself. Spicer gestured toward the White House lawn.
“I’m the new groundskeeper here,” Spicer said, “Apparently no one in the administration knows those bushes as well as I do.”