Sean Spicer: The Moon Is Made Of Cheese And Someone Is Inside It Keeping Its Light On

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters this morning that the Trump administration is releasing information to the public that every other presidential administration has “hidden from the great American people.”

“The moon is made of cheese,” Spicer announced, “and there’s a man that lives in it who is named Moonman Jones.”

Spicer said that Jones’ job is to make sure the light that the Earth’s single moon casts stays brightly lit. Jones has been the Man on the Moon since 1985 when he took over for Luna McGee, who was the first female Man on the Moon starting in the late 1930’s. Mr. Spicer said that it’s vital for Americans to know this “alternative fact” and to decide for themselves which narrative they believe.

“Do the American people believe what we, the Trump administration tell them,” Spicer asked, “or do they trust so-called facts and science and historical record? All we’re doing is presenting alternate facts, and letting the American people decide.”

Mr. Spicer also took time during the press conference to read a list of names of reporters the president has put on his “Official Poopy Head List.”

“Bob Malloy of CBS News, Susan Sinstrum of NBC News, Greg Halverson of MSNBC, and all of Univision’s new team are now hereby banished from the White House grounds,” Spicer said, “and if they want to ever speak to the president again, they must come and kiss his presidential ring, as is written in the Constitution…which is another alternative fact for anyone rushing to check their Constitutions for this passage. Just because you don’t find it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

Before closing the press conference, Spicer also announced that the Easter Bunny is real, the entire country of China is an elaborate hoax, and the Star Wars prequel films were excellent films that added to the rich story telling of the originals.


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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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