Sean Spicer To Be Replaced With ‘More Personable Hound Dog Sitting On A Dried-Up Cactus In An Ill-Fitting Suit’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer will soon be looking for new work, according to highly placed sources within the Bannon administration. Those same sources say that both Bannon and his co-president, Donald Trump, are becoming tired of Spicer’s antics during press briefings, not because they disagree with how he shouts at, contradicts, cuts off, and barks orders at members of the press pool as if they were children, deserving to be scolded, but because they think he’s becoming a “distraction” to their agenda.

“Both co-presidents think Sean is making too much noise,” one source said, “and they both understand how important it is to slip under the radar when you’re dismantling the better part of the 20th and 21st centuries.”

They know they want Spicer gone, and watching him demand that reporter April Ryan stop shaking her head was the final straw. While both men were inwardly “pleased as pie,” according to a source, that Spicer had been rude and condescending to a black person, and that Ryan being a woman made it all the more delightful, externally they had to show signs of disappointment. Neither Bannon nor Trump have an ego that allows them to see faults in themselves or the people they hire without getting extremely mad, and they know Spicer’s time is up, according to staffers speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Word on the Hill is that Bannon and Trump have devised a plan for replacing Spicer, but in a way that they hope won’t raise too many red flags with the American people.

“The co-presidents think if they replace Sean with someone or something so completely different from him,” one mid-level aide reported, “that people will freak out. Too much shock to the system. So they want to find a hound dog with a droopy face, put him on a dried up cactus, and dress him up in an ill-fitting suit. Ultimately, they want someone who will be like Sean, but you know, likable and semi-good at his job.”

Bannon and Trump feel the hound dog would have enough of Spicer’s natural resting facial features to pass, and sitting it on top of a cactus should make it antsy, anxious, and quick to lash out. All of those traits, sources say, the co-presidents believe are vital to passing the hound dog off as Spicer. Putting it in an ill-fitting suit will simply “complete the Spicy,” sources say Trump kept saying.

Reporters caught up with Mr. Spicer as he was leaving the children’s clothing section of a D.C. area Target. He was shopping for clothes for himself, he said, because he had yet to find a suitable doll maker in the nation’s capital that could tailor his suits just right. Mr. Spicer was asked about the rumors of his firing, and he batted them away.

“That’s all just speculum-spit bubble-sports team-Somalian War Lord-SPECULATION,” Spicer stammered, “and I think it’s interesting that you’d ask me questions like this. I find it interesting you’d ask me questions at all, really. Why do reporters keep asking me questions every day? It’s getting old, frankly. I thought being Press Secretary meant I’d be doing a lot of bench presses with Paul Ryan. But that’s clearly not what this is. And I’m clearly really fucking bad at it! This job is hard. I’m scared. Hold me?”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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