Sean Spicer To Start Using Hooked On Phonics Before Every Press Briefing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has already established a reputation in his position as someone who is contentious with reporters and also stumbles over his words, no matter how mundane, commonplace, or elementary, throughout his briefings. Reportedly, the Trump administration has already looked into groundbreaking tongue-untying surgery to help Mr. Spicer, but Co-President Donald Trump announced via Twitter today that his press secretary would also be using a learning tool created for children with difficulty reading before every single press briefing.

“People keep telling me that @PressSec needs help with his words,” Trump tweeted, “and we’re getting him Hooked on Phonics so he can have all the best words like me.”

Trump would then later tell reporters as he left the White House to get some Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch that Spicer will use the phonics program within minutes of starting every press briefing. The hope, Co-President Trump said, is that over time Spicer will overcome some of his reading difficulties. However, Trump said that he personally doesn’t see a problem with how Spicer conducts the briefings, or his propensity for stumbling over easy words.

“Betsy DeVos is my education secretary,” Trump said, “so clearly my standards on these things are pretty low. My vision for America, frankly, would be for the DeVos educational platform to take hold. That would mean more people would read at Sean’s level. So maybe if this Hooked on Phonics thing doesn’t work out for him, we can just dumb down America enough to where most people don’t notice.”

Spicer told reporters at today’s briefing that he’s “really looking forward to knolling-noodling-nibbling-nailing” his press conferences soon.

“Look, I don’t want to get ahead of the president here,” Spicer said, “but I think clearly this admooni-admeeny-ad hoc-ad nauseum-ADMINISTRATION knows how important it is to communication most clearish with the Amore-ickin pipple. So the sooner I get learned in how to speak proper-like, the betterer for everyone, if I’m keeping it rilly rill here.”

Spicer will begin using Hooked On Phonics in April, and the Trump administration is hoping to start seeing tangible results in his press briefings shortly thereafter. This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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