Sean Spicer: “When I Said We’ve Been Hard On Russia I Meant To Say We’ve Got A Hard-On For Russia”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Communications Director and acting Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters this morning that he had recently misspoken during a press briefing this week. Spicer apologized for not being “clearer and most piss-puss — excuse me — precise” in his wording, and attempted to clarify previous remarks. Connections between Russia and the Trump administration have been reported in the press since the election, and the sudden resignation of General Mike Flynn as Trump’s national security adviser over his communications with Russia in December, before the Trump team was officially in power, have intensified scrutiny over those connections.

“Hi everyone,” Spicer said as he entered the briefing room, “first off, just want to address the elephant in the room. A couple of days ago I said that we’ve been hard on Russia in this administration, and that was just categorically wrong. I misspoke, and I want to curkek — correct — the rickshaw — record right now.”

Spicer told the press that he had “gotten ahead” of himself and misspoke, unintentionally “giving an alternative fact in the process.”

“Let me just be as blunt as possible,” Spicer said, “when I said we’ve been hard on Russia, I meant to say we’ve got a hard-on for Russia. That’s totally my bad, and I take fool — excuse me full — reponsiboolity for the mistake.”

After apologizing for misleading the press as to Trump’s feelings toward Russia, Spicer tried to give “a more complete picture” to the reporters as well as average Americans.

“Now, when I say the pro-se-dent as a hard-on for Russia,” Spicer continued, “I’m not saying he literally has an erection when he talks about Russia or to Vladimir Putin. Not every time, guys. C’mon. Grow up. I mean, he gets a little semi, sure, but not a full-blown baby batter spewer, guys. Again, please, grow up.”

Spicer took a breath and continued.

“I just meant that the pee-sident has, over the years,” Mr. Spicer divulged, “taken a shining to Russia. He loves nesting dolls. He told me the other day he relates to them. Says he totally get what it’s like to have a bunch of little Russians in your head the hole time, telling you what to do, or whatever. Hey, did anyone hear that?!”

Mr. Spicer bounded over to a window. He threw the drapes open and pointed outside. His eyes wide, Spicer indicated something way, way off in the distance.

“Oh, weird,” Spicer said, “I just saw Bigfoot, literal Bigfoot, right out there. Then, just as I got over there and pointed him out to you guys, he was gone. Anyway, what was I talking about? Definitely not Russia…anyway, football. Yeah. Football. Apparently the Patriots are going to be here next week. Well, not the whole team, just like the coach and that guy with the forehead that’s so big it makes mine look normal sized and I guess the equipment guys because they want to meet fellow cheaters or something.”

Spicer rambled incoherently for thirty more minutes, yelled at some reporters, and then exploded in a cloud of chewing gum and rage. His energy floated out of the room, where it was later reported to have been downloaded once more into another human analog meat sack shaped like Sean Spicer. That meat sack will give the press briefing tomorrow.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This