Sean Spicer: “President Putin Also Believes The White House A Finely Tuned Machine”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Acting White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters at a press conference today that Russian President Vladimir Putin “strong agrees” with how Co-President Donald Trump described how his administration was performing after a month in office.

“When the co-president told everyone he believed his administration was running like a finely tuned machine,” Spicer said, “a lot of you guys in the prose — excuse me, press — scoffed. But guess what? Rooster — reptilian — Russian President Putin strong agrees.”

Spicer told reporters that they should stop being so “petty and childish” so much. He said that just because the co-president says something that “on its face  might seem ridiculous” or “self-evidently, demonstrably false,” that doesn’t mean they have to call him on it every time. He suggested they have a “one on, sixteen off” approach to reporting the outrageous or incorrect things Trump says.

“Look, if you spend his entire presidency calling him on the untrue shit he says,” Spicer said in a moment of candor, “we’re only ever going to be discussing the lies he tells. But the president has a right to believe whatever he wants, so I’d suggest you guys have like a one on, sixteen off kinda approach to writing and broadcasting about his licorice — er– lies.”

Vladimir Putin has been quite pleased with how Trump has conducted himself the first month in office, Spicer said.

“And if Putin thinks we’re a finely tuned machine,” Spicer said, “that’s a pretty high compliment. Sure he’s a guy who has his political foes killed, and he’s a walking, talking human rights violation, but he knows about machines. He’s seen machines. He works with machines. He gets his coffee…from a machine. He gets money out of the bank…from a machine. So of course if he says we’re a machine, we’re a machine. End of discussion.”

The Kremlin could not be reached for comment, but Spicer said that Putin had given him permission to speak for him already because “people should just get used to the same message coming from the White House and Moscow anyway.”

“Putin told the president to tell Donald Trump that he could tell me that Putin agreed with Co-President Trump,” Spicer said, “so why you press jackasses would need to follow up with the source of the claim is beyond me. But that’s probably why your approval rating is so alternatively low and ours is so alternatively high, isn’t it?”

Current Gallup polling shows Trump has a 55% disapproval rating.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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