Sean Hannity Accuses George Soros Of Inventing Class and Dignity So We Will Think He Has None

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — It’s been a rough last few days for Fox News host and 2003 winner of “Smuggest, Most Punchable Face,” Sean Hannity. He is facing a torrent of negative publicity for continually covering a story that has been widely debunked and against the wishes of the loved ones of the murder victim at the center of the story. On Twitter, Hannity has been lashing out for hours, saying he’s the victim of “liberal fascism,” while others simply call him the target of a boycott.

On a podcast he recorded today, Hannity went so far as to accuse billionaire George Soros of literally inventing the concepts of “class and dignity” as part of a sinister, anti-American, anti-free speech plot to silence him.

“That asshole Soros did this,” Hannity ranted, “he invented class and dignity so he could paint me as someone who doesn’t have any. But am I really a tactless, classless buffoon just because I keep harping on the Seth Rich murder story line, despite his family begging with me to stop, and even though they went so far as to send Fox a cease and desist letter?”

Seth Rich was a DNC staffer who was murdered last October shortly after accepting a position with the Hillary Clinton campaign. Rich’s death has become the center of a swirling conspiracy theory that states Ms. Clinton had Rich murdered because he was the real source of information for WikiLeaks, who along with Russian hackers, were working to help ensure Donald Trump would become president. Hannity said that even though he admits he has some biases toward Trump, that the evidence he sees is irrefutable.

“Look, even when I take the president’s ample orange cock out of my mouth,” Hannity expressed, “I can still see — in my own head with my own imagination — evidence that clearly Crooked Hillary crooked killed Seth. That’s the only crooked explanation for crooked it, don’t you think? I know I do, and I barely passed high school, so there’s that.”

The heat on Hannity is increasing as Fox News has even taken the extraordinary — for them, anyway — step of completely retracting the story. Hannity, however, has remained defiant, telling his radio and TV audiences that he personally has not retracted anything. It seems, for now, that Hannity is entrenched and is not showing any signs of relenting.

“If I can keep my career afloat for years using Ambassador Stevens death as a prop,” Hannity said, “you libtards have no idea how I can Benghazi the fuck out of Seth Rich’s death. I’ll make my obsession with Benghazi look like child’s play compared to my obsession with Rich. I have to! If I in any way don’t help mein orangenfuhrer deflect the attention away from the Russia probe, he might stop stuffing my mouth with his hot, warm, apricot scented man goo. I can’t have that. I NEED THE PRESIDENT’S CUM DOWN MY THROAT, GUYS.”

The White House, when asked for comment, said they’d get back to us when the “president has finished all over Sean’s smarmy, smug, stupid, and very punchable face.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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