Sean Hannity Mistakenly Gropes Tucker Carlson

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Reps for Fox News and two of its most famous hosts are confirming at the time of publication that an “incident of accidental sexual inappropriateness” occurred between the two hosts, and that efforts are already being made to rectify the situation.

“This afternoon, Sean Hannity snuck into the studio from which Megyn Kelly has been doing her show for a few years,” Fox Spokesman Dick Richardson told various media outlets in a call today, “and with the studio lights darkened, Sean couldn’t tell it wasn’t Megyn in the anchor’s chair, but her replacement, who was in the studio getting a feel for how the seat would feel against his butt cheeks.”

Richardson told reporters that what happened next was “unfortunate but also perhaps unavoidable.”

“Sean’s used to taking certain, shall we say, leeway with our anchors,” Richardson said, “so he went in and casually put his arms around the back of the chair Tucker Carlson was in, and squeezed the crotchular region with his full strength.”

Mr. Richardson said that Carlson was confused. He asked Hannity “what the heck” he was doing, and Hannity froze.

“I’m grabbing you by the pussy, Megs,” Hannity said, “I know you say you don’t want that, but c’mon, does no really mean no here at Fox?”

Carlson, according to Richardson, swiveled quickly around in the chair.

“Sean! It’s me Sean! Tucker,” Carlson reportedly told Hannity, “you just grabbed me by man pussy, not my girl pussy! Oh God! Sean! You grabbed my penis, and Obama’s still president! That means we have to go get gay married in FEMA camps huh? Why couldn’t you have waited another week or two to grab my dick? Damnit Sean, my wife’s going to be so mad I have to divorce her so I can get Obama-Forced-Gay-Married to you!”

After several minutes of frantic hyperventilating, Richardson says he and Hannity were able to calm Tucker down. They explained that it wasn’t gay if it was accidental, and that even if President Obama’s forced gay marriage brigade were to show up, they could tell him that Tucker’s last name of Carlson confused Hannity, who thought he was groping Gretchen Carlson, not Megyn Kelly, and so it was all just one big, rapey mix-up. The three men shared an uproarious laugh.

“Okay, that’s a good plan,” Carlson told the two men, “that ought to get that Kenyan off our backs.”

Hannity apologized to Carlson, saying that he never apologized to women when he groped them before, but Carlson, being a man, “deserved” one. Reps for Megan Kelly could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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