ROLLING GREEN, IOWA — The Scott Walker 2016 Presented by Koch Industries campaign is off the ground and running. With the center of the campaign — Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) — sitting near or at the top in most major polls centered around the Republican nomination, he seems to be poised to make take big steps forward toward a general election run next year. However, in a crowded field like the GOP is fielding this year, and with the emergence of the political genius of Donald Trump — who is surging in polls, Walker admitted after a campaign rally in Rolling Green, Iowa that he was “afraid of not looking dumb enough” for the Republican Party’s base.
“I look at the popularity of people like Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry,” Walker told the press, “and I worry if I’m coming off dumb enough myself.” Walker told reporters that he knows that in the general election he has to “have at least two forms of rape ready to discuss” and “at least six government agencies I’d shut down no matter how much good they do” for the debates, because he knows there’s “a fine line between Republican Dumb and Rick Perry at the 2012 debates” but that he “would much rather err” on the side of Perry forgetting the three departments he would shut down because “Republicans love themselves a dumb galoot, like Dubya was.”
Walker was quick to point out to reporters that he has made several efforts to appear dumb in the last three or four years, knowing he’d be running for president one day. “I know that I’m dumb. I mean, how can someone run a state like I have, with massive budget shortfalls, and tout their economic prowess to the country when it won’t take more than five seconds of Googling to figure out how badly I’ve screwed up the state if they’re not dumb,” Governor Walker said, “but I need to know I am looking as dumb as I possibly can. Because America needs me as its next president and I can’t be elected if I’m not dumb enough.”
Walker said that backing a bill banning abortions after 20 weeks when the chances of a fetus surviving outside its mother’s womb before about the 22 week period is virtually impossible, and most late term abortions are performed for medical emergency reasons, was aimed at making him look scientifically illiterate to GOP voters, a key characteristic often cited as desirable in Republican polling. He also told reporters that when he said he wasn’t sure if President Barack Obama loved America he was trying to look “plain ol’ dumb” by implying someone who ran and successfully won twice to be the leader of the country would somehow secretly hate it and want to bring it down from within, playing again to the “conspiracy lovers in the base.”
Governor Walker says he’s also trying to come off as dumb and behind the times on social issues as well. “I’ve fine-tuned my homophobic rhetoric, backed voter ID laws and have implied that I too think all undocumented people are coming from Mexico to take our jobs or are worse yet Al Qaeda operatives,” Walker said. “But how can I be sure that all that is making me look dumb enough to appeal to the people who actually helped Trump surge to second place? How can I in fact look dumb enough to people who think that 3% of climate scientists disagreeing on the cause of climate change means there is ‘major disagreement’ in the scientific community,” Walker asked in an apoplectic state.
“Look, I’m a college dropout who rails against universities because I know calling them institutions of liberal brainwashing plays well with the virulent strain of anti-intellectualism in my party’s base, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m Palin-ing it up enough,” Walker told the press, “so that’s why I say dumb things like comparing ISIS to people in my state gathering to protest my obliteration of the rights of public workers in my state. Hopefully that’s enough to prove I’m dumb enough to be a Republican President.”
Walker says that he’s resigned to doing as his employers — Charles and David Koch — see fit. “Chuck and Dave want me to look dumb, boisterous, overly prideful and smug in the primaries because that’s what plays well in Republican Land, and that’s what I’m going to do,” Walker said as he was getting on his campaign jet. “I mean, we’ve tried in the last two elections to say the most aggressively regressive shit to fire up the base during the primaries, and it’s wound-up really hurting us in the general. In fact, we’ve lost the overwhelming majority of the last six presidential elections, and without SCOTUS we’d have lost the 2000 election. We’re really not doing anything differently, but expecting different results. Which is I guess is the definition of stupidity…or is it insanity? Guess it doesn’t matter to our base. God Bless America, God Bless the Free Markets, and God Bless The Me, Scott Walker!”