Scott Walker Wants to Replace Statue of Liberty Torch With Upraised Middle Finger

The Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan Skyline

FLAT PAN, IOWA — Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) has been trying to position himself further to the right of Donald Trump, the current GOP front runner in the party’s race to see who will square off against the Democratic Party’s nominee — and perhaps even an independent candidate should Trump make good on his threat to seek the White House from such a position — on the issue of immigration reform.

When Trump released his policy paper on immigration reform, it proposed building a massive wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and that the wall could and should be paid for by the Mexican government, many critics balked. They said it sounded a lot like the idea behind China’s Great Wall, and that it is mostly insulting to our neighbors to the south. While Walker attempted to show he was just as tough on immigration as Trump by agreeing with the idea of building the wall, sources close to his campaign tell The Political Garbage Chute, knows that Trump is pushing the line the base wants to hear, and he knows that he must look even tougher on undocumented immigration, which is why he has a bold plan of his own.

“We will take the torch out of the Statue of Liberty’s hand,” Walker aides told us, “and we’ll have Lady Liberty simply take her empty hand and push her middle finger out, effectively flipping off not just the entire world, but more importantly, any foreigners who are thinking of coming here.” The Walker staffer we spoke to on condition of anonymity said they are looking into how much it would cost to animate the statue’s up-stretched arm so that it can effectively give a 360-degree “Fuck You” to the world.

Walker aides forwarded us a draft copy of a new stump speech their boss intends to begin delivering as he lifts this trial balloon of his off the ground. In the speech, Walker explains, “That torch stands for American liberty, not everybody liberty, and we believe it’s time to pull up tent stakes, shut the gates, and preserve our American liberty for only us true, native born Americans.”

“What better way,” Walker will ask his crowds, “to show that we love liberty, freedom, and independence than by taking literally our biggest symbol of all those things, and turning it into a massive insult to people who just want to come here to make their lives better?” Walker will also tell his supporters that “imaginary, invisible lines in land masses” need to be protected in order to “guarantee that American exceptionocitization continues far into the future.”

According to the staffers we spoke to, Walker will pay for the modifications to the Statue of Liberty “by putting an additional sales tax on any purchase under $100” to ensure that mostly the working class has the burden to pay for the idea because “that’s just how Republicans like to pay for things, off the backs of the workers, not the rich and elite and powerful.” Walker will tell people in his speech that “the founders would be proud to know that we are moving toward closing off our society so we can hide inside our homes, scared about what happens when the brown people start to outnumber us.”

“Sure, we all grew up learning about the melting pot our country is supposed to be,” Walker will say in his speech, “and sure, none of us, unless we are full-blooded natives, are really from this continent. But I want to win the presidency. So I am willing to sacrifice all that is really good about America — our willingness to embrace every huddled mass yearning to be free — and replace it with jingoism, nationalism, and more than just a touch of plain old fashioned American Racism to boot. So join me, won’t you, in closing up our free society? God Bless America, God Bless Our Border Fences, and God Bless Me!”