SKIM HARBOR, MICHIGAN — The battle for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election is heating up. This time, the battlefield has shifted to the battlefield of World War II — at least to the European theater.
This week, current front runner and 2006 winner of the “World’s Biggest Loudmouthed Racist Asshole” award Donald Trump fired the first salvo when he courted the Confederate Flag defenders among the Republican Party by tweeting a campaign image that contained an image of what appeared to be men in Nazi uniforms. Having just entered the race, and wanting to take a stab at Trump’s early lead, Wisconsin Governor and recipient of the “Dum-Dum Award” for 2013 — a prize given out by the Anti-Intellectualism and Intelligence Committee of America to the elected official who does the most work to destroy the value of education in America — Scott Walker decided his campaign needed to get in on the Nazi imagery too.
Since Trump’s image of the Nazi soldiers was meant to show America’s military strength, one Walker aide told us the candidate “decided we’d show Trump how real American patriots one-up their opponents” by tweeting out an image of Walker placed digitally into an image of prisoners living in the Nazi death camp of Auschwitz. Under it, the image says “America Needs a Governor Who Knows Obamacare and Government School Are A First Class Ticket To This Stuff Happening! (Because Democrats Are Nazis Who Hate America, Freedom and Jesus!)”
Trump responded to Walker’s tweet with a tweet of his own. “Typical of everyone in my life, steal my amazing idea and not give me any credit.” Walker’s campaign responded with, “We can’t here you over all these fat campain donations r latest image is gonna get us!” Over the course of sixty four additional tweets, the two campaigns took verbal shot after verbal shot at each other, at one point both of them stopping the feud long enough to mutually agree that “this iz how u show how tru Amercan intellectualists deb8 each other,” as Walker’s tweet put it. Eventually, though, both sides decided they’d let the voters decide when the two met on the actual debate stage with the other 228 declared Republican candidates.
Though both campaigns eventually deleted the tweets when an exasperated Reince Priebus called each campaign manager and reminded them of the “No Nazi Images Outside of RNC Meetings and Happy Hours” rule that they both agreed to when they submitted their official paperwork declaring their intent to seek the Republican nomination. One source close to Priebus said the RNC chairman also “reminded them of the secret Republican Handshake and Butt-Punching” ceremony they’d participated in that “made them sworn protectors of the Republican Party first, the United States (Republicans Only), and the Free Market Economy (Republican-owned, Jesus loving only).”
Priebus later told the press at an area pizza restaurant he was hosting a fundraiser at that he “wasn’t really that concerned” about the Nazi images hurting the Republican brand, and that “maybe this will help us really hit our genocide apologist and Holocaust denier demo targets this election.” Priebus said “it might not be PC to go after those votes, but hey man, a vote’s a vote’s a vote,” and, “Don’t they have just as much right to deny the Holocaust happened as your local gay has to marry another gay,” he asked rhetorically.
Representatives from Rand Paul’s campaign were quoted as saying, “What the hell guys? We got in trouble for hiring a couple white supremacists and you get to use Nazi shit?” The Carly Fiorina camp said she is “so desperate for attention for her campaign” that she “plans to have swastikas tattooed on her ass cheeks and wearing the outfit Cher wore in that one music video that one time to the first debate.” Rick Perry’s campaign said their candidate “just didn’t understand why everyone was getting so upset about Trump tweeting pictures of dice games” because “that’s what freedom of expression is all about.”