Scott Walker Sorry About (The Media Covering) His Dumb Comments

LOMBARD, WI — Presumptive 2016 presidential Republican candidate and current Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is very sorry. After making comments comparing peaceful protesters in his state to religious fundamentalist ISIS fighters and for implying that President Obama may not “love” America or be a Christian despite being photographed going into church nearly every Sunday for his entire presidency, Walker is ready to say he’s sorry, and he went on the friendly airwaves of the Republican Propaganda Network’s Sunday morning talk show, “Fox News Sunday,” to tell its host Chris Wallace just how sorry he was, by telling the American people they didn’t actually hear what they thought they heard.

First, Walker stated adamantly that he was definitely “not comparing” those who protested his anti-union laws to ISIS executioners and soldiers who have beheaded and immolated human beings in Syria and Iraq. Next, he attempted to put some ideologically distance between former himself and the Mayor of 9/11, Rudy Giuliani. The New York Republican recently made waves when he swatted at the spotlight by making comments questioning Obama’s patriotism.

Walker’s critics quickly pointed out that the Wisconsinite had found himself in the same predicament that 2012 Republican nominee Mitt Romney did when the now infamous tape of last season’s winner of Fox Business Channel’s “America’s Next Top Oligarch” telling a room full of wealthy campaign donors he wasn’t interested in garnering the votes of the 47% of Americans he felt was to enamored with the “free stuff” being offered by Democrats to over vote for a Republican. It was said that Walker is setting himself up for the same failure that both John McCain and Romney inflicted on themselves — running so hard to the right in the primaries that they can’t effectively pivot back to the center in time before the general election.

Walker, however, at a campaign stop in Lombard, Wisconsin insisted that he was in fact very sorry for the comments. “I am tremendously sorry,” Walker said to the assembled members of the media, “Sorry that you guys in the lamestream, liberal media covered my comments. Is nothing off the record anymore?” When reporters reminded Walker that the flap started over very public comments that Walker made at public events and that those would never be considered off the record, Walker replied, “Is that what they teach you in journalism school? Look I never finished college, but I don’t need a fancy learning paper to tell me you guys are out to get me!”

The Republican who has pushed his state further and further away from both public and private sector unions and toward right-to-work laws told reporters, “I couldn’t be more sorry for being caught, I’ll say that much.” He acknowledged that “it makes it real hard to convince people a few months from now that I’m not a sycophantic, pandering asshole if every single time I open my mouth you guys are right there to cover it. Why do you do that?”

Walker lashed out at the press several times during this campaign stop. “I mean,” Walker said at one point, “It’s like you guys think it’s your job to cover everything I say or do in order to keep an ever-distracted populace truly informed as to who is asking for their votes.” Walker paused, “It’s just not fair! And if you guys don’t knock it off, I’m telling Charles and David on you.”

Reporters asked Walker if he was actually sorry for implying that people he ostensibly represents are the same ideologically as people who have clearly decided that it is okay to murder people in the most heinous ways imaginable to further their cause. “Of course I am. I am sorry as hell,” Walker replied. “Sorry as hell that you two-bit fish wrap mongers have to sell clicks and so you ‘cover’ the ‘news’ and ‘make people informed’ about the people and events around them. Jerks.”