Scott Walker Says Protesters Are Like Nazis With AIDS Killing Puppies

OXON HILL, MARYLAND — When Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) recently told the assembled crowd at the Conservative Political Action Conference being held in Maryland this week that if he “can take on 100,000 protesters,” referring to the citizens of his own state that turned out en masse to protest the anti-union legislation he signed into law, that he could  “do the same across the world,” it sent shock waves of disbelief throughout the political spectrum. The governor had been speaking to whether or not he could handle a foreign crisis, since he has absolutely no experience on an international stage. So was he really comparing American protesters to ISIS soldiers?

Despite what his defenders — like conservative radio host Laura Ingraham — might say, Governor Walker was asked by reporters as he stepped off the dais at CPAC 2015 about whether he really felt that it was fair to compare American protesters to violent militants who have beheaded and immolated innocent civilians. “Of course it’s fair,” Walker said to the reporters, “Chuck and David told me so.”

Reporters pressed him further. “Look, all I was trying to say is that international crises are no different than domestic crises,” Walker tried to explain. “On the one hand you have people gathering to chant, sing songs, and make a lot of noise protesting laws they don’t agree with for their own reasons. On the other, you have blood thirsty, brainwashed sycophants decapitating people and setting them on fire and stuff,” Walker paused, “See? Same difference.”

But surely the governor can’t really think protesters are as bad as murderers? “Oh, I think they’re worse, actually,” said Walker. “Think about it. Protesters are loud. They don’t shut up. They’re like, always complaining about something I’m doing under the presumption that everyone in the state is cool with me gutting labor laws that served society well for over a hundred years under the guise of muh free markets. They’re terrible human beings. ISIS fighters are just you know, misguided soldiers fighting for the wrong cause.”

Walker made another analogy in an attempt to explain himself. “Basically, I feel like defeating my protesters with the recall election was sort of like taking on a bunch of Nazis with AIDS who were killing puppies. Get it? Great. Next question.”

Governor Walker has been the beneficiary of a post-Citizens United political landscape. When he was up for recall in 2012, Walker saw millions of dollars from outside the state flood into Wisconsin to help him fend off the attempt to oust him from office. In 2014 the Wisconsin gubernatorial race was one of the most expensive in the country.

Would Walker appreciate a Democratic presidential candidate standing on a stage in front of hundreds of Democratic voters and comparing conservatives to terrorists? “Uh, that’s different because Democratic voters — like protesters — clearly don’t have souls. Also, Chuck and Dave said I don’t have to answer that question.”

Reached for comment, Rusty Bimbeck, a Wisconsin conservative radio host on WKKK said, “Governor Walker is just telling the God’s honest truth. People who oppose core conservative American principles like not allowing laborers to unionize and stuff like that are really no different than ISIS or Al Qaeda fighters.” Bimbeck explained, “I mean, do you think ISIS fighters believe in core American values? Of course not. Look at our President He’s a muslin from Kenya and he doesn’t even love this country. It’s not that far from him to his stooge moocher taker followers, is it?”

“The bottom line is a simple one,” Governor Walker said as he bid the reporters goodbye. “ISIS fighters and civil protesters have one very important thing in common.” Walker paused then said, “The Republican base is scared shitless of both. I’m going to pander to that. Because Chuck and Dave want me to be president, and by American God, I am going to be president! Just like they did for Mitt Romney.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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