Scott Walker ‘Not Even Sure Obama is Human’

FAIR OAKS, WISCONSIN — Recently, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani made headlines by insinuating that President Barack H. Obama may not “love America” or even American citizens. The backlash caused by the Mayor of 9/11 drew sharp criticism from many on both sides of the aisle, with one notable exception — Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.

Speaking at an expensive fundraising dinner in New York City, Walker commented on Giuliani’s assertions of Obama’s lack of love for the country he runs by saying that he doesn’t “really know what [Obama’s] opinions” on loving The United States are. Walker’s tone stands in stark contrast to many of the other 2016 Republican hopefuls who have distanced themselves from Mayor 9/11’s remarks. Walker now seems to ready to double and even triple down on casting doubt on Obama’s patriotism.

Walker told the Milwaukee Sentinel Journal that he doesn’t “think it’s worth getting into the battle over whether he does or he doesn’t,” and that Obama  “can handle that himself.” Sources close to the Walker camp who contacted The Political Garbage Chute under the promise of anonymity have said that this week Walker will take is uncertainties about Obama one step further.

“Governor Walker intends to declare that he is unsure whether in fact President Barack Obama is a carbon-based, human life form or not,” we were told via email. “The governor believes that if you just ‘look at him’ you’ll start to notice very different things about him, and that he ‘doesn’t look like’ a lot of humans Governor Walker sees on his governing of Wisconsin tours he takes all over the country.”

We asked in a follow-up email of Walker really is trying to cast doubt not just on the patriotism of the president, but his very humanity as well. Walker’s anonymous aides responded with, “Um, have you not been paying attention to Republican rhetoric since Nixon beat Helen Gahagan Douglas by implying she was such a devout Commie she wore pink underwear? This is what Republicans do. We cast ourselves as the only true Americans, and then we convince our constituents that people who vote for non-Republicans are voting to ruin everything we love about America. Duh-doy.”

Then the Walker aides made sure to tell us that “Governor Walker’s point isn’t even that Obama may or may not be an alien overlord sent here to destroy us all, it’s that he knows there are millions of non-alien humans who want to bring this country back to what it once was, a shining beacon of light, lit by the embers of freedom and the burning carcasses of those who oppose us!”

So why is Team Walker playing the pseduo-birther card with the help of Rudy 9/11 in the first place, if the governor isn’t all that concerned one or the other about it? “Because the American people need to ask themselves if they trust another Democrat in the White House. If they’re going to try to sneak an alien life form past us, what do you think the next one will be? Are we really sure Hillary Clinton isn’t a member of the secretive race of mole people who live under the Earth’s surface and harness magma to turn it into food? We’ll never know, unless Americans start asking these questions with us,” replied the Walker aides.