FAIR OAKS, IOWA — On a campaign stop in Iowa this week, Wisconsin Governor and 2016 Republican Presidential hopeful Scott Walker doubled-down on previous remarks wherein he called the historic Iran nuclear deal brokered by the Obama administration and five of the other most powerful nations in the world “one of [the country’s] worst diplomatic failures.” Walker, having just officially entered the race a few days ago, knows he has to “make a splash and hit the ground running,” according to his campaign aides, so he is doing everything he can to “raise his profile by criticizing things the White House does even if he’s barely qualified to run a lemonade stand, let alone comment on matters of international import.”
“This deal is a failure,” Walker told a crowd assembled at a bowling alley, “because it prevents us from having a path to war. And as we all know the only way to spread democracy and self-governance is to murder people and put a new government in place, regardless of what the people we didn’t murder want or need.” Walker said if he is elected president he will “follow the shining, perfect example” set by “previous, Republican and therefore real, genuine, American presidents like Ronald Reagan and Dick Cheney” who “led our nation’s military on successful, not-based-on-lies and/or illegal usurpation of war powers from Congress with a perfect record of victory.”
According to Walker, the United States “can’t afford another eight years of not picking on Iran” because “America is only truly at its greatest when it is continuing long, antiquated grudges against other countries.” To that point, Walker says he would also re-dampen relations with Cuba by sending them a “dick pic on the daily” and “texting ‘Suck my balls’ to Castro.” Governor Walker told the crowd he would “return America to its greatest of traditions — exerting its military might over brown people thousands of miles away in the name of profit and fossil fuel prices.”
“All of this is why when you do what the Kochs tell you to do and elect me your president next year,” Walker told his crowd, “I will skip all the hippy-dippy liberal bullshit diplomacy and just hand Iran a handful of nuke-yulure weapons. That way, we know for certain they have nukes and then we can go to war with them to get the nukes out of their hands. So I say, let’s just give Iran nukes, and then we can skip to the war part! Who’s with me?”
Walker said that his plan “sticks to traditional American foreign policy goals” of “handing weapons to people and then in a few years going to war against them.” The Republican governor insisted that “real, red-blooded, education shunning American Patriots know the path to greatness isn’t through learning and adapting to the world around you with your newly acquired knowledge,” but instead they know that “you get gooder at life by doing what your country asks you to do and killing little brown people who are only standing opposed to you because their government told them to do the same thing.”
“This country can get back to its bestest roots,” Walker said at one point. “We can be free from the elitist liberal attitudes of ‘going to school’ and ‘not being an asshole for being an asshole’s sake’ and ‘tolerating gays and minorities’ if we focus not on all the stuff that doesn’t matter, but only on the one thing America does best now — stupid and pointless wars that only create more enemies and don’t make anyone any safer.”
While Walker has absolutely no experience on the international stage — apart from vacation trips — he and his campaign are extremely confident he can still inspire the country to vote for him. “This country’s greatest military president, George W. Bush, wasn’t exactly a world diplomat. Hell, he couldn’t spell ‘diplomat’ when he took office in 2001, or ‘world’ for that matter. But he made himself gooder every chance he got. He studied. But most importantly he listened to his Co-President Dick Cheney on international affairs, and that is why I am seriously considering naming Dick my VP choice, but I want to just wait and see how this all panhandles out, of course,” Walker told the Iowans in attendance.
“We cannot be a great America if we are not willing to send our kids straight from high school to the battlefield,” Walker announced. “Why send them to some brainwashing indoctor-izing college when you can give them a gun, a helmet, a flak jacket — or at least the gun and then they can provide the rest of it because government spending is bad — and tell them to go kill some Iranians, or Iraqis or you know, one of those other Muslim types that are bad, because there’s no ‘I’ in ‘America’, ‘patriotism’ or ‘blind and stupid and nationalism.'”