Scott Walker Explains Support for Banning Same-Sex Marriage: ‘I’m a Dick’

GREENFIELD, IOWA — During his recent appearance on ABC’s “This Week,” presumed presidential candidate Governor Scott Walker (R-WI), declared that he feels allowing same-sex marriage “should be left up to the states.” Walker really made headlines however, when he said the he — like fellow Republican hopeful Senator Ted Cruz — supports an amendment to the United States Constitution that would allow states to ban homosexuals from being married. “If the court decides [to allow same-sex marriage], the only next approach is for those who are supporters of marriage being defined as between one man and one woman is ultimately to consider pursuing a constitutional amendment.”

Support for same-sex marriage is at all-time highs, and among millennial voters — the future voters upon which Walker’s Republicans will depend to sustain their party — the issue has over 80% support in most polls. In the wake of the 2012 election, the Republican National Committee commissioned a deep-dive autopsy of their abysmal failure in that year’s presidential election, and among a whole slew of topics they were advised to modernize their rhetoric about was same-sex marriage. In recent weeks studies have been released showing that the core base of Republican voters is literally dying off.

Just hours after his “This Week” interview, reporters caught up with Scott Walker as he was leaving a Wal-Mart in Greenfield, Iowa where he was shopping for socks and turkey jerky before a campaign event later that night. Walker was asked by a reporter from The Dallas Times why he is declaring himself in a camp that holds a political policy view that by most accounts the GOP must jettison to ensure survival on a national level.

“Because I’m a dick,” Walker told the press, “that’s why.” Pushed for clarification, Walker said, “I’m a dick, see? I broke up public sector unions, basically telling firefighters and cops they didn’t have the same equal rights as workers in the private sector do. And shit, I really don’t want private sector employees to have that right to unionize either. As a right-wing faux-libertarian douchebag, I know that Freedom of Association is only about gay marriage, and not about the rights of the workers to enter into and out of contracts at their own discretion.”

One reporter asked Walker for his law credentials, since essentially the amendment he advocates cold be used by the states to justify nullifying any and all federal laws they saw fit. This idea has been adjudicated many times in courts throughout the nation’s history, and every time the Supremacy Clause of the Constitution has been used as the justification to deny states the rights to nullify any federal laws at all, so how could Walker be reasonably supporting such an amendment? Walker responded, “Oh, you want to see my legal bonafides? Here,” he dug into his right-hand pocket, “here it is.” Walker raised his middle finger and asked for the next question.

“Look, here’s the thing,” Walker said to the reporters at one point. “Like I said, I’m a dick, right? That’s pretty much what we Republicans represent — the parts of American culture that give us permission to just be utterly unrepentantly dickish to everyone. You know, the stuff that got us all labeled cowboys after Dubya and Dick started the Iraq War? Yeah, that kind of dickishness. I represent the kind of dickishness that brought us Manifest Destiny, kept slavery alive for so long, gave us Jim Crow laws afterward, and kept the ladies from voting for almost 150 years after our inception.

So stop whining about it, if you don’t like it. If you want to live in a country where we don’t wag our finger at gay people and tell them they can’t get married because we find butt sex icky, vote us out. If you want to live in a country where we stop pretending that social welfare spending even remotely touches the kind of kickbacks and corporate tax breaks we give the most wealthy and powerful corporations, then vote us out. If you are into this crazy-assed idea that the people who are so rich that they and their great-great-great-great-great grandchildren couldn’t spend through all their money in their collective lifetimes are probably going to be fine if we raise their taxes a few pennies on the dollar, then vote us out.”

As Walker was getting back into his campaign tour bus, he turned around and addressed the reporters one more time. “Hey, it’s really simple here folks. You know we’re the dickish party. That’s why it’s 2015 and we’re pretending our belief in an invisible sky friend gives us the right to trample the civil rights of gay people. It’s why in this day and age we are still trying to pretend that 97% isn’t a ‘consensus’ view. We’re just dicks. Churlish, unabashed dicks. We’re defenders of inequality. We revel in the idea of poor people not only being poor, but dying in the streets as an alternative to us slicing off a few pennies off our dollars. This is not going to change. We won’t ever get the message that we’re a bunch of asynchronous douchebags until you guys get off your asses and vote us out.

So…now that we know that won’t happen, see you at the debates, bitches! Walker 2K-16 out!”