New EPA Head Scott Pruitt: “Maybe Mother Earth Shouldn’t Dress Like That If She Doesn’t Want Us Raping Her”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Giving some of his first remarks after being confirmed as the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt — a man who has sued the EPA himself several times in defense of Oklahoma energy policies — told reporters that he thought perhaps human beings wouldn’t be so willing to destroy the planet’s ecosystem in pursuit of economic growth if the planet “wasn’t always asking for it”  and that Mother Earth should not “dress like that” if she wants to avoid being raped.

“I mean, just look at her,” Pruitt said, “look at Mother Earth. All dolled-up in green and blue! Mmm, mmm, mmmmm. Who wouldn’t look at that and want a piece? Who wouldn’t look at that and not think to themselves deep down she wants it, too?”

Pruitt’s nomination as EPA head was widely mocked, as he put himself on the political map by suing the department many times when he was the Oklahoma State Attorney General. Mr. Pruitt was also a member of the Oklahoma state legislature. In 2014 he ran opposed to be re-elected as the Sooner State’s top lawyer. His comments came at a welcome luncheon thrown by the Trump administration in his honor at a local Chuck E. Cheese’s establishment.

“I’m not saying she deserves how she’s treated,” Pruitt said, “I’m just saying if she really cared that much about protecting herself she’d maybe dress more modestly, try to attract less attention from real estate and business developers, know what I mean? And would it really be that bad an idea to start packing heat? Smart women know they have to take security into their own hands from time to time.”

Mr. Pruitt described the planet’s lakes, oceans, fields, and other natural resources in glowing, near sexual terms, saying it was a “fool’s errand” to suggest that corporations “could or should even want to keep their hands off her suppleness.”

“What’s a good, clean, corporation boy supposed to do,” Pruitt asked rhetorically, “use her natural resources respectfully, with an eye  on the fact that he ain’t the only one to get to dance with her? That’s just crazy talk, if you ask me. Goes against nature. No, God clearly made this planet for corporate entities to use as they see fit. It’s in the damn bible, people.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, when reached for comment, said he had to set his “cup of tea and bourbon” down before giving a quote because he was too distracted by the “Kentucky sized bone rock [he] got in his britches” when he was told what Pruitt said.

“Well now,” McConnell said, “that is one hell of a fine thing to hear a patriotic American say, isn’t it? Finally we can get back to putting profits over people, money over the natural beauty of this great land, and, what was I saying? My boner got in the way of my thinkin’ juice again.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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