KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Erin Moran, the actress who played Joanie on the beloved Earthly American television series, “Happy Days,” passed away after complications from cancer. Scott Baio, the alleged actor who at one time played Chachi, the nephew of Fonzie and Joanie’s love interest, made heads turn when he seemed to cast judgment on Moran’s lifestyle just hours after her death was announced.
As reported by ABC News Baio said that he was “not completely shocked” by the news of Moran’s passing because media reports had been that she had problems with drugs and alcohol.
Earlier in the day, Baio told New York’s WABC radio that he was “shocked, but not completely shocked” about Moran’s death, before saying that “if you do drugs or drink, you’re going to die.” (source)
At a press conference held by Larry “God” Schumway and his son Jesus Hubert Christ, the CEO and vice-presidents of Holy Trinity, Inc. respectively, announced that they were going to sign a rare Heavenly Executive Order officially renaming cancer “Scott Baio.”
“What a douchebag thing to do,” Schumway told reporters, “because he didn’t even know what the circumstances of her death were. He literally tried to backtrack from his insane comments by saying he was just going off of media reports. Really Scott? So if the media reports that you’re a washed-up actor no one gave a fuck about until you stepped out for Trump, I’m supposed to believe that? Wait. Bad example.”
Jesus said the decision to rename cancer was not an easy one to make, but he and his father both feel that Baio needs to “learn a lesson in what true Christian grace looks like,” and this is their way of holding him up as an example to other Christians. They hope that if he has to be known as cancer for a few years, it might teach Mr. Baio to not “rush to judgment,” which God said was “kinda the whole point of [his] son going down there.”
“Great, another pseudo-Christian asshole saying horrific things and pretending it fits the mold of what Christianity is about,” Jesus Hubert told reporters was his first thought when reading Baio’s comments, followed, he said, by, “Me-sus Christ.”
God said that to him, this story brings about an even “sadder conclusion about the state of things on that damned planet.” And he blames the current U.S. president for it.
“The saddest part to me,” Mr. Schumway said, “other than Erin’s passing, is that people are listening to Scott Fucking Baio again. Thanks, Trump.”
Jesus Hubert echoed his father’s sentiments.
“No one would give half a fuck about what this has-been piece of dick thinks,” Christ insisted, “except he was one of the cavalcade of D-List celebs who endorsed the tangerine twat waffle last year. I don’t know if I’m angrier at Baio for being such an insensitive, un-Christian prick, or Trump for foisting him on us like a boobless Sarah Palin.”
The last time God and Christ renamed cancer was when they temporarily changed its name to “Mike Huckabee” when the evangelical right-wing failed presidential candidate and former Arkansas governor made a joke that the pair felt was “mean spirited and frankly transphobic,” Schumway said.
Both deities said that the name change will likely not be permanent.
“Just when you think Republicans can’t sink any lower, or be any less Christian,” God said, “one of them invents a way to excuse rape. So I’m sure very soon we’ll give the cancer honor to another knuckle-dragger, me help us all.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.