To say that Ted Cruz’s political career is unique would be an understatement, given that he is — at least as far as anyone knows — the only booger-eating fascist currently serving in Congress. While there are certainly many members of the Grand Q-Anon Party that could justifiably be labeled as “fascist,” Cruz has the distinction and honor of being the only one to be public about his affinity for eating his own boogers.
American boogertarians — people who eat boogers — waited over 200 years, but they found themselves a true representative of their community in Cruz. While some politicians might try to hide the fact that they are boogertarians from the press, Cruz proudly and boldly sucked down his own booger, live on TV, during the 2016 presidential campaign. Incidentally, that was the same campaign season that made the ugliness of his wife, Hedi, public knowledge, as well as the campaign that effectively ended his ownership and dominion over his own testicles.
What makes Cruz so unique is that he’s in his late forties and still is a booger-eating fascist. As Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Henson-Oz Institute for Higher Academic Sciences told us via Skype today, most booger eaters never become fascists, and of the ones that do, most “evolve quite quickly” out of their boogertarian phase.
“Senator Cruz is a fascinating specimen, there’s no doubt about that. By this point in most booger-eating fascists’ life cycles, they’ve either grown out of being such a smarmy fuck-giblet as Ted is,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “medically speaking, of course. But for some reason, he seems to become even more of a booger-eating fascist with each day.”
Professor Herbie Handcorck of Northwest Easter Idaho University’s biomed department told us that Cruz is such an aberration, there isn’t much data that can be used to predict if he’ll ever evolve.
“And the thing is,” Handcorck told us, “I don’t think it’d be very ethical of me to ask my students or fellow research scientists to expose themselves to the toxic levels of Ted Cruz it would take to really get to the bottom of this burning scientific question.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.