Scientists Estimate 95% Probability of Lies If Ben Carson’s Speaking

SPRINGFIELD, MICHIGAN — One of the nation’s stop scientific research centers has determined that if Dr. Ben Carson — neurosurgeon and 2016 Republican presidential contender — is speaking, there is a 95% probability that he is lying.

The American Institute for Scienceography and Scientific Sciencing conducted a study of statements made in public by Carson from January 1st, 2014 to October 31st, 2015 and found that “the overwhelming majority of the statements were barely recognizable as coherent thought,” but that of the statements they could verify were full and complete sentences, “95% contained either half-truths, exaggerations, or gross misstatements of reality.” They cited holes in his biography as well as statements such as his belief that the Egyptian pyramids were built by Joseph to store grain.

“We first needed to determine if anything came out of his mouth actually made any sense,” Dr. Cindy Spacer told reporters at a press conference in which the results of the study were published, “and once we winnowed down the list of verbal diarrhea he spewed to actual instances of coherent thought, we found that most of it was garbage. Utter and complete garbage.” Spacer said whether it was telling people he nearly stabbed someone, or that he has offered a full-ride scholarship to West Point, “the end result of our study is that if Ben Carson’s lips are moving and you can understand it, you’d probably better take it all with a shaker full of salt.”

The AISSS’s findings might concern some candidates, but Dr. Carson didn’t seem phased when I was asked about them at a campaign rally in Michigan later that day. “Well, sure, if you go back and listen to everything I say and analyze it with critical thinking,” Carson said, “you’re going to find a bunch of stuff that isn’t true. But does that make me a liar, or just someone who lives in a rich fantasy world? Am I liar or just plain stupid? That’s the question, isn’t it?”

Carson said that “if the media would stop hounding” him he’d be able to get his “stories all straight.” Carson complained that no one in the media ever put President Barack Obama through the kinds of vetting that he’s getting, then asked if anyone had seen Obama’s birth certificate lately, while handing members of the media poorly photoshopped memes of Obama hugging Stalin with captions like “Do you really think Saul Alinsky and George Soros would want you to see this picture?”

At least one of Carson’s rivals isn’t happy at all about the findings. Former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina told reporters when asked about the study that she “highly doubts its credibility” because “up until a couple weeks ago, [she] was the liar and he was the religious sycophant dope.” Fiorina told the media she’d be demanding her own study from the AISSS and that she’d “be expecting results” that showed she is “America’s premier liar” because she “didn’t make up all that shit about the Planned Parenthood videos to get out-lied by Carson.”



James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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