WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s leading scientists have been unsuccessful thus far in their search for the genetic differences between former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski and a bucket of lukewarm diarrhea.
In a now infamous debate on Fox News earlier this week, Mr. Lewandowski chidingly said, “Womp! Womp!” when a liberal activist told him about a young girl with Down Syndrome who was taken from her parents after they crossed into the country illegally. The moment seemed to crystallize for many Americans just what they find offensive about the Trump administration’s family separation policy. The policy, which is a change from how the Obama administration was processing undocumented travelers, was enacted by embattled Attorney General Jeff Sessions as a means of scaring off those who would enter the country with their children illegally.
The backlash to Lewandowski’s comments has been almost as fierce as that against the policy he was so caustically defending. Seeing and then discussing the debate the next day at work is what sparked the National Scientific Academy to conduct genetic research into Mr. Lewandowski.
“We generally all agreed that the clip makes Corey look like a big ol’ bucket of hot, liquid, shit,” Dr. Susan McTavish told us. “But we wanted to know if there was a difference, on the genetic level, between him and that bucket of foamy, taco sauce imbued fecal spray. So we did some studies and tests.”
It was fairly apparent, from very early on in the process, that Dr. McTavish and her team would have a difficult time isolating the genetic differences between Corey Lewandowski and a bucket of diarrhea.
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“It’s the damnedest thing. Logically, we know that Corey is a human, and that a bucket of diarrhea is an inanimate object,” McTavish said. “But yet, on a microbial level, when you examine him and the bucket — it’s almost like you’re seeing double.”
Dr. McTavish summed it up as succinctly as she could at the end of the press conference.
“To answer the question simply — from a scientific standpoint there is no difference between Corey Lewandowski and a bucket of diarrhea,” Dr. McTavish said. “However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t differences.”
McTavish paused a moment, thinking.
“The bucket of diarrhea would never callously Womp-Womp a special needs kid being taken from her parents by thugs that work for the government,” McTavish said. “So there’s one glaring difference our charts, instruments and general nerdery wouldn’t detect.”
Lewandowski and the bucket of diarrhea were not asked for comment on this story.