Top Scientists Confirm: America Already 4.8% Greater Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than 48 hours after alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump was elected as the 45th President of the United States of America, some of the nation’s top scientists have made a rather momentous announcement. Speaking at a press conference outside the National Science Institute’s headquarters, Dr. Glenda Halsey told reporters the NSI’s initial tests confirm an “uptick” in the country’s Greatness Quotient — a measurement the science community has relied upon for centuries to empirically measure just how great a country is or isn’t.

“As soon as Mr. Trump was declared the winner,” Dr. Halsey told reporters, “the nation’s GQ — that’s Greatness Quotient — went up by 4.8%.”

Halsey says that the NSI uses an evaluative battery of tests to determine the GQ of any nation. The tests look to see how many guns are owned per citizen, how much freedom “libtards and other Commies” have, in addition to a multitude of other variables. The results are measured against the optimal levels and then the GQ is calculated. Dr. Halsey, when reporters asked what factors caused or contributed to the uptick in America’s GQ, hedged a bit.

“We’re not really one hundred percent sure,” Dr. Halsey said, “we just know that magically, overnight, America was greater again. Nothing specific happened, but we do have some interesting hypotheses.”

One theory, Halsey said, is that the country’s colors stopped running. Another is that a large number of Americans who didn’t love it, left it. Still another theory is that Americans en masse began contributing their daily $1.05 to the Freedom Fund started after 9/11 by the George W. Bush administration. Her colleagues told Dr. Halsey they have another theory that involves “millions of true, red-blooded, ammo hoarding patriots” replacing the words “France” or “French” with “freedom” in their common vernacular.

“I’m not really sure which, if any of these theories is the correct one,” Halsey said, “but we are very soon going to have a reality-TV star and guy who’s taken several of his businesses into bankruptcy as our president, so I’m not even entirely sure the normal universal scientific laws even apply anymore.”

The NSI will continue to measure the country’s Greatness Quotient throughout the Trump administration, and this site will publish their findings weekly, beginning tomorrow.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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