Scientists Announce New Global Phenomenon: “La Clima Chante”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials at the Institute of Climate Science in the nation’s capital are reporting that there is a new global phenomenon they want to warn humanity about, and they are dubbing it “La Clima Chante.”

Dr. Kelly D. Forest of the OICS told reporters at a press conference early Monday morning that the effects of La Clima Chante include rising global temperatures as well as an increase in the frequency and severity of major seasonal storms. Dr. Forest said that the recent massive winter storm that dumped snow all over the United States’ eastern coastline is evidence of La Clima Chante, as is the fact that 2015 was the hottest year on record.

“This new global phenomenon should be ignored at humanity’s own peril,” Dr. Forest told reporters, adding that people should “think of La Clima Chante as like ten thousand El Niños that never stop.” Dr. Forest told reporters that if the effects of El Niño scare people, they should really pay attention to what La Clima Chante has in store for them. “When the warming seen with La Clima Chante gets too great, ocean levels will rise, and there will be catastrophic damage seen all over the world, but particularly in coastal towns and cities,” Dr. Forest warned.

When one reporter asked Forest if the events seen as a result of La Clima Chante differ that much from what scientists have also dubbed “global warming,” the doctor had a smile creep across her face. After a long pause she said, “There is literally no difference, because La Clima Chante just means climate change in Spanish. And by the way, we say ‘climate change’ not because we’ve ever stopped believing the main impact of it is global temperatures warming, but because right-wing pollsters thought that using the term ‘climate change’ wouldn’t scare off tainted Republican voters on the subject.”

“People actually paid attention to coverage of El Niño,” Dr. Forest said, “we think at least partially because it’s got a Spanish name so it sounds sexier and exotic.” Dr. Forest said climate change is too important to be ignored anymore, so they are hoping that re-naming it something new, with a Spanish name, would achieve “the same thing with climate change.”

“If we can’t get average people to start giving a damn about climate change, we’re in for one hell of a bad ending to this whole humanity thing,” Forest said as she wound down the press conference, “so we climate scientists are desperate at this point to try anything to drum up attention for this subject. If we have to dupe people into caring by letting them conflate climate change with weather events, well, they do that shit already don’t they, so why not use it to our advantage and maybe give our species a fighting chance?”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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