Scientist Proves MTG is a Barely Sentient Glob of Congealed Mayonnaise in a Vanilla Pudding Cup

A world-renowned medical researcher announced results of a groundbreaking study he just concluded recently, and what he says he found out might change the way you look at a sitting member of Congress…forever!

In an early morning teleconference, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, Chief Science Officer at the International Institute of Checking Shit Out, announced that he has data which indicates Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) is not a human being, but instead is a barely sentient glob of congealed mayonnaise in a vanilla pudding cup. Dr. Hornaydieux said the IICSO is having their results double-blind tested, and will publish those results when they are available. In the meantime, Hornaydieux gave a sneak preview to reporters as to what his team found in their initial research.

“Obviously, Ms. Greene is the whitest white person in Congress today. She screams white person. She’s the walking, talking embodiment of a prototypical white woman, of a certain age,” Hornaydieux explained. “In fact, from a purely scientific standpoint, we couldn’t figure out why her name is Mango, or whatever, and not Karen. Really, on a molecular level, she is a Karen.”

What made Dr. Hornaydieux most excited was that his team was able to confirm what or who donated their DNA to conceive Greene.

“When you look at Greene’s own DNA under a microscope, you can see that it’s very, very dumb. It’s quite fascinating, that DNA itself could be stupid as fuck, but here we are, looking at the fact that Greene’s DNA is, in fact, very dumb,” Hornaydieux said. “However, we can also tell that at some point some busser at a restaurant in rural Georgia wiped a glob of mayo off a bottle, and somehow that glob of mayo mated with a flaming cross, and nine months later, Ms. Greene was born.”

Ms. Greene was too busy repairing her Secret Jewish Space Laser to provide a comment on this story.

@jamboschlarmbo Don’t miss this episode! #MarjorieTaylorGreene #politics #political #republican #trump ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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