Scaramucci Tells Press He Saw Trump Fire Proton Torpedo Down Shaft Only Two Meters Wide

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci — “Mooch” as he’s known among friends and close confidantes — made quite the first impression in his first press briefing. Held just hours after Press Secretary Sean Spicer tendered his resignation, Mooch proceeded to handle questions from reporters with much more ease and less stiffness than Spicer ever did. In just mere minutes, Mr. Scaramucci said he “loves” the president and made several eyebrow raising statements about seeing Trump pull off spectacular feats.

“I have seen this guy throw a dead spiral through a tire. I’ve seen him in Madison Square Garden with a topcoat, standing in the key, hitting shots.” (source)

This morning, as Scaramucci was headed to Starbucks, he was tracked down by the press pool and asked about how he thinks his first press briefing went.

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“Pretty wonderfully,” Mooch told reporters, “I mean, no one can do a press briefing like Donald Trump, mind you, but I did pretty okay. I’ve seen the president giving a full press conference in a torrential downpour while standing on one foot, and translating the Gettysburg Address into its original Latin! This guy is that good.”

Scaramucci indicated that his strategy as the head of White House communications will be to “highlight the genius and perfection that is Donald Trump” in every way possible.

“The problem so far has been that the media isn’t telling the American people — sixty percent of which disapprove of what he’s done so far — just how great Donald Trump the man is,” Scaramucci said, adding, “and if we can just get more stories in the news about how he’s done seemingly impossible things, that’s how we truly Make America Great Again!”

Mr. Scaramucci told reporters that prior to taking the job, he was sent to North Korea to study how Kim Jong-un’s communications director does their job.  What he gleaned from a couple weeks of study, Mooch says, is that part of his job is to “take the truth, examine it, hold it, cherish it, and then punt it the fuck out of the room and make some shit up” that paints his boss in a favorable light. Scaramucci hopes that he’s found a successful strategy to help Trump with his messaging.

“I know this man can do this job better than anyone has ever done it,” Scaramucci told reporters, “because this man can literally do anything. Heart surgery? He’s saved sixteen people’s lives so far. Brain surgery? Why do you think he made a brain surgeon his Housing and Urban Development secretary? It wasn’t just because it had the word ‘urban’ in it. It was also because Trump’s already doing all the brain surgeries in the country, so Ben could focus on other stuff.

Mooch then relayed one more story to the press pool about Trump’s past triumphs.

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“Folks, I’m telling you, just give President Trump a chance and he’ll win it all for you,” Scaramucci insisted, “Like, I remember this one time, okay? I saw him, with my own two eyes, fly a snub-nose, one man fighter down a trench, avoiding turbo laser cannons and three TIE Fighters doggedly pursuing him. All of a sudden, he turns off his targeting computer, we freak out, and he says to us it’s alright he’s okay. Next thing I know, he’s launching a proton torpedo, and BAM! The thing goes in!”

Scaramucci said the shot was impressive and should be marked by a national holiday.

“That target was only two meters wide,” Scaramucci said, “not much bigger than a wamprat, and we should know because he held Kellyanne Conway up to a picture of it, and she was about the same size.”

Sean Spicer lasted six months as White House Press Secretary.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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