WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many in the media reacted with shock and outrage when Rupert Murdoch tweeted that Dr. Ben Carson — 2016 Republican contender — would be a “real black president” unlike President Barack Obama, but word has just broken from the White House that Murdoch may have just inadvertently blown the lid of a fresh, brand new scandal.
An advance copy of a special address that President Obama will deliver over the weekend to the American people was sent to various media outlets. In it, Obama earnestly admits that Murdoch was in fact right and that “according to all the latest scientific metrics,” President Obama is technically “semi-black.”
“It is with a heavy heart that I come to you,” Obama’s speech will begin, “to ask for your forgiveness in a time of great turmoil. As you may have heard, Rupert Murdoch intimated that I am not a ‘real’ black president. Many jumped on him for that comment, but my conscience dictates that I must come clean. According to all the latest scientific metrics, I am indeed only semi-black.” Obama will then reportedly describe to the American people what it’s like to not be a “real black” person.
“For starters, as a black man, if I were to be shot by a police officer it’d be twice as likely that I was unarmed than if I were white,” Obama will say, “but as a semi-black man those odds go down. Of course, I still have dark skin so they will stop me more, but that’s only because a lot of people in this country genuinely believe that black people commit more crime than white people, no matter how much that’s a game of not understanding how under-reported crime is in white communities.”
Obama will also tell Americans that since he is semi-black he also only gets stared at by roughly 85% of business owners when he walks in, rather than “just about all of them.” According to Obama, his semi-black status also means he gets asked if he plays basketball “a little less” than if he were a real black person. “Also, it should be stated that my semi-black status means I’m allowed to show very small amounts of negative emotion, unlike real black people who are immediately given sideways glances and labeled as ‘the angry black man,'” Obama will say.
“When I leave office, I’m definitely worried about finding a job,” Obama will tell the American people, “because the economy has picked up, but it’s still rough out there. As a semi-black man it’s a little worse than if I were white, but still not as bad as the 10% unemployment rate of real black people — over 50% if you’re a young real black male.”
President Obama, who is at the tail end of his second presidential term, will also point out another way in which his life would be different if he were a real black man. “I don’t think I’d have gotten all the Birtherism stuff thrown my way,” the Commander in Chief will say, “because let’s face it — as much crap as I’ve gotten from Republicans as a semi-black man, imagine what it’d be like if I were a real black man. If all the subtle and not-so-subtle dog whistle racism was given to me by my opponents for almost eight years as a semi-black president, just imagine the ruthless, overt, candid racism we’d see from them if I were a real black president.”