“My Name is Rick Santorum, and Here’s Why I Am Frothing to Be Your President”
by Rick Santorum
My fellow red-blooded, Christ following, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding, gay marriage shunning American patriots, fear not. For I am here, again, to deliver this great nation from the sin of equality for all. I am here to save us all from the sin of compassion, and charity. I am here to save us all from the sin of helping the poor and sick, just as the great Jesus Harold Christ did back when the greatest book, the Holy Bible — upon which our Founders most assuredly based every single word, sentence, and paragraph within the Constitution — told us about when he was here on Earth. I couldn’t possibly be more excited about running for president again.
One might even say I’m frothing at the chance!
Other candidates claiming to speak for the Christian Americans out there have entered the race already. I’m here to tell you with all the sincerity and Christian warmth in my heart, “Fuck those other guys. They suck balls compared to me. And if you’re a good, clean, American Christian you know sucking balls is only allowed when you’re a congressional staffer…or a Duggar sister.”
I am the one, true candidate for God’s people. Not Mikey Huckybee. Not Ben Carson. Me. Those guys are good, don’t get me wrong, and they’re both anti-choice, anti-LGBT proponents of the repressive status quo, so that means one of them will get tapped to be my VP, and the other will most definitely be in my cabinet, with a new position I’ll create for my administration — Secretary of God and Jesus. But if you want the guy who has been steadfast in his strident, bitter opposition to the creeping and sinister gay/liberal/socialist/gay/communist/gay/Democratic/gay agenda, then you know you have to vote for me.
I mean, for goodness sakes, I’m Rick Santorum. I practically wrote the book on theocratic pabulum taking the place of actual, cogent political policy. You can’t spell “religious sycophant” without “R-I-C-K” or “S-A-N-T-O-R-U-M.” Don’t fall for the other guys’ lines. I’ve been on the frontlines fighting off the forces of equality, love and freedom for years. I’ve been so obsessed with gays, their agenda, and their curiously enticing sex acts for a long, long time. When Mitt and McCain were trying to look “presentable” to the moderates in this country, I was sticking to my guns, and protecting our rights to hate on the people whose sex acts we are secretly very intrigued by, wasn’t I?
I’m told by my staff that I need to not just focus on the gays and their sweet, erotic, and yet very sinful sex acts. They tell me I need to spend a few sentences laying out my economic vision. So here’s that for you: whatever Paul Ryan tells me to do with the economy I’ll do. The only math I’m good at is knowing that one male plus one other male might make a seriously enticing image in your head, but it doesn’t equal marriage. Marriage to me is how it’s defined in the Bible — a mostly business and asset related deal that involves marrying off your young, teenage daughters.
On matters of foreign policy, I will do what every good president does. I will defer to the massive military industrial complex that outright depends on the furtherance of war to keep their profit margins up. On matters of domestic policy, well, I don’t really feel like I have to reiterate this, but then again I get such a giddy little thrill every time I even think about gays, let alone mention them, but yeah. On domestic stuff my number one goal is to force every pregnancy to full term, regardless of circumstance and to keep the uppity gays down. Period. Only by keeping people repressed can we be truly free, and every good, clean, Christian, ammo-hoarding American knows this.
So this summer you’re going to see me and about 452 other Republicans vying for your vote. Some will entice you with anti-immigrant speech. Some will try to bait you into voting for them by claiming to be the toughest on terrorists, or by saying we should drug test all welfare recipients and force them to frown all the time like the dirty sponge leeches they are. But none can claim to speak for those who trust in the word of Christ like I can…provided you believe the long-haired, social radical in the Bible would actually be down with hurting people and making them feel less than human because you disagree with how they sex it up, of course.
You know what to do. I trust in God you’ll make the right decisions…or burn in Hell like the gay loving gay lovers you all probably are.