LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — Bob “Satan” Beelzebub has been the CEO of Fire and Brimstone, Inc. since he and his former employer, John “God” God got in a labor dispute and God kicked Satan out The Kingdom of Heaven. In that time, Satan has seen what he calls “a boat load of miscreants” and “a pantload of ne’er-do-wells,” but according to the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness, he’s never seen “someone quite as twisted and sadistic” as 2016 Republican contender Mike Huckabee (R).
Satan was asked to comment on what he thought about Huckabee’s recent stance on abortion, namely that the evangelical former Arkansas governor supports anti-abortion laws without any exceptions, not even for rape or incest. Appearing on CNN’s “State of the Union” weekend program, Huckabee said that while “a 10-year-old girl being raped is horrible,” he asked rhetorically if an abortion would “solve a problem by taking the life of an innocent child.”
“When I think about one horror, I also think about the possibilities that exist,” Huckabee told CNN, adding, “I just don’t want to think that somehow we discounted a human life.” Huckabee would also admonish Americans to “not compound the tragedy by taking yet another life.”
It was these comments about not allowing a ten year old rape victim to abort a pregnancy caused by her rape that Satan says revealed Huckabee’s “true nature.”
“You have to be one twisted, sick, evil fuck to give cover to people who rape 10 year old girls,” Satan told us. “Huckabee is one. Evil. Fuck.” According to Satan, people like Huckabee are particularly loathed in Hell because just like in prisons on Earth, “kiddie rapists and people who fuck around with kids in general are just the most viciously evil people possible.” Satan said that he is so personally repulsed by people who don’t at least protect innocent children that he brokered a deal with God in 2007 that allows him to ship child molesters and people who defend them to a location far, far away from Hell itself.
Satan told our reporter that there “is no silver lining to a pregnant ten-year-old girl,” but “that’s exactly what this dipshit Huckabee is saying.” The Chief Sinner wants people to “Think about that for two seconds. This guy is saying that there’s some kind of up-side to a pregnant ten-year-old.” Satan says that Huckabee is a prime example of how far the “so-called good guys have fallen into straight-up sycophantic stupidity.” He says that “only a truly depraved soul would look at a 10 year old being raped and even fathom the government stepping in and telling that poor little girl she has to carry that baby to full term now.”
“How does he not realize what a warped sense of reality you have to have to envision a situation where a ten-year-old girl that has to give birth to her rapist’s baby has any kind of feel-good ending to it,” Satan asked rhetorically. “I’ll say it again — there is no miracle that happens if a ten year old is raped and becomes pregnant. A rape pregnancy isn’t some kind of unforeseen good thing to come out of a tragedy; it just make the tragedy even more tragic!”
Beelzebub said that what really “chaps [his] fiery red ass” is that Huckabee and people like him smile into the cameras while they “basically tell you that the ten year old rape victim isn’t the person whose feeling we should be most protective of.” He said that “Huckabee and jerks like him are basically shifting the focus of the crime — the rape, remember — from the rape victim and onto a biological mishap that should in no way detract from the dehumanizing, brutal, vicious and vile betrayal of trust and innocence that is a ten year old getting raped.
“What makes him truly vile though,” Satan said, “is that him standing up for a developing, semi-parasitic organism effectively shifts attention away from the real innocent victim of rape in this scenario.” Satan also said that this kind of thinking is so disgusting that even his half-brother, former-Vice President Dick Cheney, wouldn’t support abortion laws with no exceptions. “He’s a war mongering, blood thirsty piece of shit, and even he thinks a ten year old rape victim shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about aborting her rape baby.”
Our reporter asked Mr. The Devil if he’d ever consider hiring Huckabee since everyone who works in Hell is a famous evil person. But Satan was adamantly against such a notion. “Fuck no I wouldn’t hire him to work here,” Satan said, adding that “God keep that sadistic fuck. And I say that knowing I have Ronnie Reagan and Dick Nixon working as our top dildo testers in the dildo emporium and warehouse.”
“There are some people that are just too evil even for Hell. Mike Huckabee is one of those people,” Satan said as he ended the interview.