ISENGARD, MIDDLE EARTH — The wizard who lives in a tower near the Isengard forest has issued an all points bulletin, looking for his contact in the Donald Trump presidential administration.
“I have not heard from Grima Bannon in some time now,” Saruman the White told middle-earth reporters this morning, “and that’s quite alarming to me. The Dark Lord needs to keep tabs on President Trump, and Grima Bannon is my eyes and ears in D.C.”
Saruman, who has lived in his tower at Isengard for years, told the press that he and Sauron had agreed to keep close tabs on President Trump on election night. The wizard said he and the dark lord were “pleased” to see Trump win, but wanted to make sure “he’d do our bidding and ignore the will of the people.” Saruman said it was particularly important for Trump to convince the public that he won the popular vote, and not Hillary Clinton. It’s also vitally important, Saruman said, that the press be delegitimized so that he and Sauron’s plans can “more easily come to fruition.”
“So when the dark lord and I were talking that night,” said Saruman, “we decided that Grima Bannon was the best one for the job. Trump already trusts him, and he’s in favor of the kind of wanton disregard for human life that really excites Lord Sauron. In fact, Sauron’s said that Grima Bannon’s even a little too hardcore for his tastes.”
Grima Bannon was also tasked with helping Sauron track down a powerful weapon.
“He was supposed to help us find the one right,” Saruman said, “the one ring to rule them all? Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s about yay big. And when you get it close to fire you can read the inscription, written in a foul and evil text, on it. Quite stunning, really. We’d thought that Vladimir Putin had given it to Trump as an inauguration present, but we’ve lost contact with Grima Bannon and aren’t really sure anymore what’s happening.
Both Saruman and Sauron fear Bannon may have “been tempted by the allure of the ring’s power.” They are concerned he might have “gone rogue” and decided to retain the ring for himself. It wouldn’t be the first time in the ring’s history.
“Someone who looked very similar to Grimma Bannon once held onto the ring for quite some time,” Saruman said, “and he called it his ‘precious.’ So we’re certainly concerned but not too much. Bannon is just the latest hideous and grotesque creature to retain control of the ring.”
The Trump administration declined comment on this story.
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