Sarah Sanders Drinks Diarrhea, Punches Nun and Jumps Off Brooklyn Bridge Because Kelly Told Her To

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports from the capital are that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been released from a D.C. area hospital following tests to certify she was healthy enough to return to work. Sanders was rushed to the hospital after she was found at the bottom of the East River in New York City after she’d jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge. Just moments before jumping, Sanders reportedly chugged down a gallon of hot, foamy, liquid diarrhea and punched a nun squarely in the face.

As she was leaving the hospital, Sanders stalked up to a makeshift media stake out podium, made a tepid joke about how much the reporters hate her and how much she wants to murder each one of them and their children in their sleep, stared angrily at the press as they asked her questions, and then proceeded to explain just what had transpired.

“As you all know, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly is a 4-Star General,” Sanders began, “and that is why when he handed me a gallon of the president’s post-KFC diarrhea and a plane ticket to Newark, where I was to get on a bus that would take me to Manhattan, where I would walk about half way down the Brooklyn Bridge, chug the poo, and then jump off. I did so willingly and with a great respect and admiration for General Kelly’s service to this great nation.”

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When asked why she followed Kelly’s instructions to the letter, never questioning his motives or whether he’d made the right to decision to have her drink the president’s putrid anal expulsions just before leaping off a bridge, Sanders became incredulous.

“Of course you all would ask me questions like that,” Sanders said, “Because y’all just haven’t been paying attention the last few days. It’s very simple. I did exactly what I was told because questioning a 4-star general is very inappropriate.”

Sanders didn’t say whether the nun she punched volunteered for the job, but she said that punching nuns is “far less un-American than punching Nazis, who have some good people among them, too.” Ms. Sanders was also asked why she even considered this command. Reporters wanted to know if she had dignity left, after this incident. Sanders laughed.

“To be honest,” Huckabee Sanders admitted, “none of it sounded worse than working for Donald Trump every day of the year.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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