NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump raised many eyebrows when word leaked that he might be considering former Alaska Governor, and failed 2008 Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin for a key role in his cabinet. Trump is said to be considering Palin for his Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, a post which has come under quite a bit of scrutiny under the Obama Administration for the enormous backlog of cases the VA has thanks to staffing and technology issues.
While Palin has never held a federal position before, Trump feels confident in her ability to “get half the job done,” he said at a press conference this week.
“I don’t think there’s a half-job out there that Sarah can’t half-do,” Trump said, “and I am confident, some might say very, extremely confident, in her ability to get half the job done. And more importantly, to get half the job done half-right.”
President-Elect Trump told reporters that he “admires” Palin and her “ability to just babble incoherently, say a catchphrase, make a goofy face, and have Republicans fawn all over her.” He said that it takes a “truly gifted half-brain to be so good with the people.” He said he finds her lack of being able to finish anything she starts “refreshing” and said that “lack of commitment will be a hall mark” of his administration.
“Hey, I might be a world-renowned asshole,” Trump said, “but that doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate someone who half-asses everything they do, either. Besides, Washington has gotten too focused on trying to finish things. Finishing things costs money. And I want to make as much money, er I mean, I want you to keep as much of your hard-earned money as possible! So maybe we need someone in a high level position to not finish things for a change.”
Mr. Trump said he’s so confident in Palin’s abilities that he’d hire her for “many, many jobs.”
“Like tying just one shoe,” Trump said, “or boiling a pot of water for spaghetti but not putting the spaghetti in. Vacuuming half my rug? Sarah’d nail it.”
Trump said that Palin will play a prominent role in “giving veterans the half-care they so richly deserve.”
“Ask yourself this,” Trump told reporters, “is it better than veterans have someone looking out for them all the time but can’t quite fix everything themselves because of systemic problems with how our government functions, or is it better to hire someone who is grossly unqualified, ill-prepared, and has never shown the ability to follow-through with anything in her life? In the Trump White House, we all know the value of not finishing a job. Because even if you finish the job, it’s not like you’re guaranteed that you’re gonna get paid for it; just ask the contractors I’ve stiffed once they’ve gotten done building shit for me.”
Reached for comment, Ms. Palin said she was “super duper excited” and that she’d “make sure Obama got all his mom jeans out of the White House” before she moved in. When informed that she wouldn’t be living in the White House with the president, Palin said she didn’t believe it but and that sounded like “liberal hogwash from the lamestream media.”
Trump said that ultimately he’s not worried about the job Palin will do because “she won’t be here long enough to do any damage anyway.”
“Let’s face it, she’ll get bored within two years, if that,” Trump said, “and she won’t be here long enough to do any damage anyway. Once Sarah sees the job requires actual work, she’ll find something else to occupy her time. Like a ball of yarn or a laser pointer.”
The United States of America lasted from July 4th, 1776 until January 20th, 2017.
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