Sarah Palin Scolds Spicer, Scaramucci, Priebus For Their Lack of Work Ethic

ALMOST RUSSIA, ALASKA — Sarah Palin ripped into three former members of the Trump administration on a podcast this week. Ms. Palin, who once served briefly as Alaska’s governor, told the podcast’s hosts that she was “tired as hell” of “fake, wannabe, Mom jeans wearing RINOS” and their “libtardtastic work ethics.”

“Can’t anyone finish what they start these days? You know call me crazy, and everyone who’s ever slept with or campaigned with me certainly has, but in my day we served at least half our terms before quitting,” Palin said.

Palin was answering a question about why she thought President Trump has seen three members of this staff resign in a matter of a couple of weeks. First, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned when Anthony Scaramucci came on as the new Communications Director. Then Chief of Staff Reince Priebus resigned at the suggestion of Scaramucci, who wound-up resigning at the suggestion of newly hired Chief of Staff General John Kelly.

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“Where I come from,” Palin explained, “We call that an Alaskan Gangbang. But since that’s also what we call our family reunions, we’ve gone with the more traditional cluster-you-know-what, you betcha!”

According to Palin, neither Scaramucci, Spicer, nor Priebus “had the stones” to do their jobs. She said you can “tell they’re all cucks” and that “men with spines” would never quit. Even if the job is much harder than anticipated. She said that all Republicans are “supposed to be born incapable of quitting, ever.”

“You can’t just throw your hands up and go do something else, something easier,” Palin bellowed, “That’s so wimpy and cowardly. Who in their right mind takes a job and then just quits it, barely any time in? I’ve never heard of such wimpy, cuckish behavior before.”

All is not lost for the GOP, though, according to Ms. Palin. She says that there are “several good, clean, ammo hoarding patriots” that were inspired by last year’s election, and they will be running for office next year. She said one of her good friends is already in a senate race.

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“Kid Rock is exactly the kind of politician the Republican Party deserves,” Palin said, adding, “He’s the one who coined the super-patriotic phrase, and I believe I have this right, ‘Bah-widdy-bah-da-bang-da-bang-ditty-said the kitty-said-up-jump-my titty.’ Something like that. I think you get his point, of course.”

Palin is hopeful more “obviously qualified and gifted candidates” like Kid Rock throw their hat into the ring.

“Obviously Reince, Sean, and the Mooch couldn’t keep up with the raw, visceral leadership of such a great, dear orange leader,” Palin conceded, “but that doesn’t mean there aren’t dozens, if not hundreds, of people willing to do the job the right way! Wouldn’t Scott Baio make a fine governor? Why not put Charles in charge of a large economy? I just know it’s time for the scourge of weak-need Republicans to end, and if that means these three losers have to quit, I guess that’s fine by me.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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