FLATULENT FALLS, ALASKA — Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is said to be boarding a jet headed for the nation’s capital at the time of publication, convinced she is now rightfully the President of the United States.
“John died. Now, I may not be some fancy pants liberal elite, but I do know what our Constitution says about the suck session of power,” Palin was overheard telling her daughter Bristol. “So I’m flying into D.C., you betcha, and I’m gonna take that oath.”
Ms. Palin apparently packed light, bringing just one bag, because once she takes the oath of office, she can “buy whatever” she wants to. She also has begun to lay out what her presidential administration’s policies would and would not look like.
“Well, I won’t be wearing any mom jeans, I can tell you that much,” Palin said. “I also won’t be doing anything, really. Because, c’mon, you all know me by now, but I’ll look good doing nothing, and I’ll say all the right meaningless platitudes, so hey, win-win, in the end, right?”
As far as cabinet positions, Palin says she’ll consider “all that stuff” later, but she already knows who her ambassador to Russia will be.
“Me! I already know more about Russia than any other country, you know, having lived right next door for so long,” Palin said. “And obviously Michele Bachmann will be my Secretary of Education, because there is no smarter woman in politics than me, but Michele’s a very close second.”
Ms. Palin made sure to thank the late Senator John McCain, who succumbed to his battle against brain cancer and opened the door for her ascendancy to the Oval Office.
“I know I’d never have made it to this place without John’s full confidentiality and I am forever grateful for it,” Palin said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to board this plane and go be president now! I’m gonna put a Chick-Fil-A in the driveway!”