WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bannon Administration made an interesting staffing announcement this morning. In response to criticisms that he skipped meetings with intelligence officials, preferring instead to have Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence attend them, Donald Trump has agreed to receive classified information vital to our country’s national security every day.
The briefings will come from former Vice-Presidential candidate and half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.
“I’m not really interested in intelligence briefings,” Trump said, “because I’m so smart already, see? But after talking it over with Kellyanne, Steve, and the rest of the other three horsemen of the apocalypse, we felt I could may be benefit from dumbing myself down, believe it or not. So Sarah will be giving me daily unintelligence briefings.”
Asked to describe what the difference is between “intelligence” briefings and “unintelligence” briefings, Trump said that the main difference is that Palin’s briefings would “literally just be her reading me the top headlines on Breitbart, World Net Daily, and David Avocado Wolfe’s Facebook page.”
“Sarah is undeniably the right person for this role,” Trump explained, “because in all my years on this planet, and there have been many folks. I’m old as fuck. You know that right? You elected a super-rich, super-old guy who really doesn’t give a whole lot of shits about you? You elected a guy who very obviously wants to use the office of the presidency for his own gain first, yeah? Wait. Where was I?”
The reporters reminded Co-President Trump he had been talking about making Sarah Palin give him daily unintelligence briefings.
“Right, good, thanks,” Trump said, “for a bunch of mainstream media losers, you’re pretty nice sometimes. Anyway, yeah, Sarah is dumb as shit, right? I mean, when most people think of dumb politicians, it’s Sarah and Michele Bachmann. And I had already tapped Michele for Secretary of The Rapture. So I figured, why not have Sarah help dumb me down, so I could relate to a big chunk of my voters, you know? I mean, I do like the not-so-well educated, right?”
Trump held up a finger, shooshing everyone in the room.
“Wait, hold up,” Trump said, looking down at his smart phone, “I have to send about sixteen tweets right now. Some blogger out in Chicago just said something mean to me. Just need to do this little Twitter war here…and…done.”
If Palin is unable to do the job, Trump said he’s got some alternatives chosen for the position.
“If Sarah’s too busy with a new reality-TV show — which are very important and anyone who’s ever been on one is smarter, better looking, and more well-endowed than any regular person,” Trump said, “then we can get me my daily unintelligence briefings from any number of sources. A half-dead squirrel on the road, a jar I’ve literally been farting into for the last two decades, or maybe a bowl of chocolate pudding. All of them have approximately the same grasp on reality — and more importantly the same intelect — as Sarah. We’ll be fine. Winners always win, remember.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.