WASHINGTON, D.C. — While scholars and historians mourn the irreparable damage done to centuries of artwork and craftsmanship during the fire in the cathedral at Notre Dame in Paris, a member of the Trump administration was watching news coverage of the flames with extremely personal interest.
“Sanctuary, sanctuary! My sanctuary is burning,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders could be heard shouting this morning from within her office at the White House. “My beautiful childhood belfry! And it’s all gone! Gone! SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!”
The New York Times reports that the fire started around 6:30pm. Authorities report that there is no known cause of the fire at this time. Residents have expressed some extreme sadness at seeing the damage done by the fire.
“It is like losing a member of one’s own family,” said Pierre Guillaume Bonnet, a 45-year-old marketing director. “For me there are so many memories tied up in it,” he said of the cathedral. (New York Times)
Huckabee Sanders, a 36 year old manure sales person, grew up in the famous cathedral. She too expressed great feelings of sadness and loss this morning as she wailed to reporters on the White House lawn.
“Oh! Everything I loved! Gone! Burnt to a crisp, like so much extra tasty crispy chicken,” Huckabee Sanders wept. “I have such fond memories of skulking about the bell towers! I’d hear them ring, and know it would soon be supper time, provided brother had slayed a canine that day for us to feast upon!”
Ms. Huckabee Sanders recounted for staffers some of her favorite features of the cathedral, now partially engulfed in fire.
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“We had there very high towers; a man who should fall from one would be dead before he touched the pavement,” she said, even more sadness creeping across the half of her face still capable of expressing human emotion. “I used to love the view. I’d just climb up to the top of the belfry and cry out into the night.”
President Trump tweeted some words of encouragement to France, making sure in the process to lend his trademark firefighting skills and knowledge to the cause.
So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out. Must act quickly!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 15, 2019
“Oh, mon dieu! We had never zot of zat! Flying watehr tankehrs! Of course,” a French firefighter was heard telling his colleague. “We silly Frenchmen were jus’ going to wave our baguette at it and throw wine on the flames! And slowly too! We are zo luck-ee to ‘ave such an American genius looking out for us!”
Attorney General Barr issued a statement saying he sees no evidence of fire in the Notre Dame cathedral.
A version of this story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.