WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite being a combative, curt, condescending, tantrum throwing, filibustering, intellectually and literally dishonest sack of shit, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently has feelings, too.
Rumors of Huckabee’s alleged humanity have floated around for months, but without any definitive proof. However, once she started having to hear harsh words directed at her — words that still somehow didn’t rise to the level of vitriol her boss spews at people regularly — fewer and fewer people could deny she had some feelings, albeit hypocritical and ironic ones.
“Sarah’s definitely got feelings, even though she comes off like a corn fed, deep fried, misanthropic, mendacious sociopath who delights in finding new ways to lie for her conman boss,” Dr. Skeet Williams of the National Institute of Feelings and Shit told us. “I know, it’s hard to believe that someone who takes glee in kidnapping brown babies and deporting their parents is human, much less capable of human emotions, but here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons.”
Dr. Williams says his colleagues decided to make an official proclamation of Huckabee’s human feelings after watching an explosive exchange between her and CNN reporter Jim Acosta. Mr. Acosta gave Huckabee Sanders ample opportunity to ratchet back her hostile rhetoric toward the press, which is constitutionally protected, and say unequivocally that the press is not an enemy of the people. Instead, Huckabee went off on a tear, and brought up the fact that Michelle Wolf, a comedian, made some jokes about how he’s a lying fuckface, right to her lying fuckface.
“And that’s when we saw it. Definitive proof. Huckabee has tons of feelings, and she let them all out on Acosta,” Williams said. “Granted, they’re misplaced feelings of entitlement and grandeur. But they’re feelings, alright. And man, did she ever feel sorry for herself. I have to admit, we almost felt sorry for her too, but then we remembered there’s no religious task force set up to give people permission to discriminate against her, so she’s doing just fine existing as a giant, horrible, lying fuck ball.”
Williams says what makes Huckabee Sanders’ feelings jump out at him is the fact that she “cried big lard filled tears” over people insulting her and Trump, but the president is the one who pushed “Birtherism” for years.
“I mean, her boss got on the map by spreading a vicious racist lie about a dude,” Williams says. “And she’s running her mouth about being a victim of lies? I don’t know if hypocrisy is an emotion, but she’s certainly full of it.”
This story is developing.