Sarah Huckabee Sanders Blames Obama’s ‘Residual Sharia Voodoo’ For Republicans Losing Big In Virginia

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, election returns spelled defeat after defeat for President Donald Trump and his agenda. Despite the president heavy campaigning for Republican Ed Gillespie, Virginians roundly rejected him and instead a Democrat will remain in the state’s governorship. The Republican who drafted the state’s vehemently anti-transgender bathroom law was defeated by a transgender woman. Down ballot Republicans were obliterated in not just Virginia, but other less red states that held elections.

While some may see the election last night as a stinging rebuke of Trumpism, the White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, vociferously disagrees with that assessment.

“Clearly you all in the TOTALLY LIBTARDED A-HOLE PRESS are missing the boat here and impulsively creating a narrative that just doesn’t exist,” Huckabee said after trying out her new, tight five minute stand-up material on the press pool, “and y’all need to have the sense smacked into your LIBTARDED skulls, respectfully, of course.”

Slurping down spoons of Crisco, which she called, “Patriot Fuel,” Huckabee told the press what they’re missing about the election results from last night.

“Obviously there is only one clear, unmistakable fact about last night,” Huckabee said, “and that’s the fact that there is clearly some residual Sharia voodoo leftover from the previous administration, and that’s why Ed Gillespie lost. It’s all Obama’s fault, again.”

For years, Huckabee’s boss pursued what he called “the truth” about Barack Obama’s birthplace. Known as the “Birther” movement, Trump came to prominence as the de facto, celebrity leader of the movement and burst onto America’s political scene when certain sects of the Republican Party embraced him for his brazen attempts to “troll” then President Obama. Trump famously told the world that he had the real scoop on Obama’s forged American birth certificate, but ultimately no evidence was ever produced, and Trump claimed during last year’s election that he was the one who “settled” the matter.

“Quite frankly I’m disgusted The New York Times isn’t asking former President Obama whether his Sharia Voodoo had a hand in Gillespie losing,” Huckabee said, “and if you want to talk about collusion, let’s see if Robert Mueller can investigate the obvious collusion between the Illuminati, Sasquatch, George Soros, Saul Alinsky’s ghost, and Obama. Sharia Voodoo is very real, and a very big threat to our white, clean, American way of life.”

President Obama could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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