Nothing says “entertainment” like Rick Santorum, does it? Well, at least if your definition of “entertainment” is a religious fundamentalist who’s so mean and nasty toward a minority class of citizens that his name has literally become synonymous with frothy fecal matter and who actually thought he had a legitimate shot to be elected as President of the United States you think of Santorum as entertainment, right? God knows the clown convention that was the 2012 Republican presidential primary season was entertaining for all fans of unabashed stupidity, homophobia, backwards-thinking sociopathy toward the poor, and outright stubborn resistance to change. So it makes total sense that Santorum would become the CEO of a movie production studio, right?
Wait. What the perpetual fuck?
Yes, Rick Santorum — the master of all things homophobic is now running a movie studio named EchoLight Studios. They’ve got their first film hitting theaters this Christmas. “The Christmas Candle” is what it’s called and presumably it’s about a person going around and lighting candles for Christmas while also condemning sinners to Hell, you know, like Jesus did. Just this week, EchoLight announced three more films that Santorum has personally given the green light to, and below are the titles and plot summaries as provided to us by EchoLight spokesperson Rhonda Zellutt.
#3. “All White, Hetero-normative, Conservative, Christian Dogs Go To Heaven As Long As They Don’t Vote For Democrats”
A heartwarming tale of two dogs who grow up together, one of them with pure white fur and pure white ideologies; the other a patchwork fur mutt who is okay with letting dogs be dogs. Both dogs eventually go their separate ways when Fundy (the good, pure, white dog) realizes that Evil McSinnerFace (the patchwork-fur mutt) is just far too morally loose for Fundy’s tastes. When both dogs meet their eventual fate at the hands of the same truck driver, it’s only Fundy who winds up going to Dog Heaven, while Evil McSinnerface burns in Dog Hell along with the LGBT dogs whose basic dog rights Evil was trying to protect on Earth because he felt that all dogs deserve to be treated equally under the law, as they are equal in the eyes of Dog God.
Your kids will love the musical soundtrack, featuring songs written and performed by everyone’s favorite celebrity has-beens like Kirk Cameron and that one Baldwin brother!
#2. “10 Things I Hate About Godless, Amoral Liberals”
The story of two high school sweethearts who beat all odds and overcome the extreme moral weakness in each of them.
Susie is the product of a non-traditional home. She has two mommies, and accordingly is being instructed in the ways of witchcraft and Satan Worshiping, as all lesbian couples do. Johnny is a preacher’s son who is totally not gay even though sometimes he wishes the quarterback of his football team would ask him to prom, but hey he can just ignore that deeply-ingrained part of his being and somehow find something to like about Susie, right?! Right.
So anyway, Susie and Johnny find that if Johnny just completely shuts out his natural tendencies and fills all the available space in his heart and brain with religious scripture and if Susie just denounces the very loving and caring parents that went through Hell on Earth on to have her as part of their family, they’ll live happily ever after. Or at least until one of them has a major breakthrough in therapy and realizes they’ve been living a total fraud of an existence for twenty years, but that’s what sequels are for!
#1. “Dogma”
Not to be confused with the film written and directed by Kevin Smith, this “Dogma” is literally just two and a half hours of Rick Santorum looking into the camera and saying things like. “Gay people’s hearts are filled with battery acid and they feed on babies,” and “Rape pregnancies are just God’s way of saying, ‘She was asking for it.'” Also covered: why masturbation is the tool of Satan and Liberals, why Satan’s a liberal, Satan’s love of the LGBT community, and five easy ways to tell if the liberal next door is worshiping Satan.
