NORTH POLE, EARTH — The San-T-Claus Corporation, a corporate entity responsible for the funding and infrastructure used by Kristopher Kringle — also known as Santa Claus — to deliver toys and goodies on his sleigh every Christmas, requested formal permission from the Trump administration to visit migrant children in detention centers this Christmas Eve.
“We would seek an appeal to your humanity, and to your sense of Christian charity and grace,” the request reads, “however, we have witnessed an absolute self-evident dearth in all those characteristics, and instead we seek to appeal to your more capitalistic nature.”
Santa’s request states that the toys he delivers to the children in the detention centers will not cost the U.S. taxpayers a dime.
“I can assure you that the toys I bring to the little children in your Kiddie Koncentration Kamps won’t end up costing your country, or its taxpayers, anything,” Claus writes. “All I ask is that you let me bring a little cheer to the children who will probably never, ever see their parents again because of your heartless cruelty and overreaction.”
Perhaps in a bit of uncharacteristic venting, Santa’s letter continued to criticize Trump for his immigration and border policies.
“While I am not in the least bit surprised that one of the four living people to be on the Perma-Naughty List would be willing to inflict such inhumane pain on innocent children to score meaningless political points with a rabid base,” Santa writes, “it was appalling nevertheless to be informed by my elves that we had to find several Central American children because they wouldn’t be home with their parents this year, you coal hearted windbag.”
According to the White House, President Trump received the letter and personally wrote Santa back, asking if Mexico can pay for the toys. The response from Santa was likely not what he had hoped for.
“GFY, ass clown,” Santa wrote back, “and for the love of God quit asking me for nudes of that woman. She’s your DAUGHTER for Chrissakes, you disgusting white collar crook. Ho-ho-hold your self accountable for what a corrupt liar you are and resign, so I don’t have to do this next year, Chode Boy.”