NORTH POLE, EARTH — Kristopher Q. Kringle, known around the world by his stage name Santa Claus, has issued a request in the hours before his annual trip around the world, delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world, takes him to the United States of America — lock up your guns before he gets there.
“Far be it for me to tell anyone how to live their lives,” Claus said in a brief statement to the world released the morning of Christmas Eve, “so if you want to exercise your Second Amendment rights, that’s just dandy. But I’m growing too old to be dodging bullets anymore, and there are always at least two dozen homes where that is a distinct possibility.” Santa said that while his magic keeps him immortal, he still can “suffer horrible bumps, bruises and scrapes” from avoiding random gunfire, and in 2005 he lost a reindeer.
“Prancer had been with me for two hundred years,” Santa said, “and some redneck in Arkansas thought I was his uncle-cousin coming over to steal his cable TV signal again and blasted at me through his own ceiling. The buckshot missed me but got Prancer straight on. Needless to say, that guy’s on the permanent Naughty List.” Santa said that in 2012 his elves came up with a special bullet-resistant dressing he could put on each reindeer, but that each year without Prancer is “a kick in the dick.”
“People are up late tonight wrapping the gifts I don’t bring,” Claus said, “so late nights plus a little merry time wine, plus not paying attention to the time when I come down the chimney equals me constantly ducking bullets, especially in America and especially in the Bible Belt.” Santa said that in states that have higher rates of background checks and neighboring states and municipalities don’t have lax gun laws, he’s shot at far fewer than in the open carry states that “fetishize and fantasize about guns,” he said.
Ultimately, Claus’ statement said, if Kringle cannot “enter your home and feel relatively secure knowing” he won’t be “blasted at,” he will skip your home. “I’d rather not have to send a letter to little Timmy telling him he didn’t get the action figure he wanted because his dad didn’t want to put his gun away for one night, but I’ll do it,” Claus said, “and hopefully they’ll put pressure on you next year to be a good little adult and act like one. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a night free from stray rounds!”