THE NORTH POLE — In just 20 days, Kris Kringle, otherwise known as “Santa Claus,” will make his annual trip around the world, delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. At a press conference from the North Pole today, however, Claus reminded Americans that they’ve “already gotten” their big gift from him this year. Santa said it was delivered back on November 3rd, though it might have taken until November 8th or 9th for everyone to receive it.
“All preparations are underway and going quite well, and even though 2020 was quite frankly a real lowdown dirty coalsucker of a year,” Santa announced, “we think this will be one of the Christmases to to remember, truly. I just wanted to remind the people of America, though, that you all technically got your big gift this year already, just a few weeks early.”
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Claus explained that on November 3rd, 2020, the United States of America was “given one of the most special and important gifts” he has ever given before.
“It took a lot of work, and boy did we have a lot of elves down there working get out the vote drives,” Santa announced, “and it was definitely a lot closer to not happening than I would have liked. By about November 8th or so, though, it was pretty clear that all our hard work had paid off, and everyone got the gift we were wanting to give.”
Santa said it was “hard to know” if the gift would go over as well as he thought it might, but that “looking at the early numbers,” shows him he and his team made the right call.
“I think I could get 80 million people a puppy for Christmas and it wouldn’t be as nearly as popular as this gift was,” Santa claimed. “These days keeping people happy with their gifts is extremely difficult. But all our numbers so far show this is the most popular gift we have ever delivered in our histroy, and it’s a pretty long history.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.