Sane Republican Quietly Admits He’d Totally Take A Third Obama Term Right About Now

TORREY GLEN, OHIO — Richard Simpkins is a 45-year-old registered Republican. He considers himself “rational and sane” among his fellow GOP voters because he doesn’t “think the planet is 6,000 years old, that Obama was born in Kenya, or that all taxes are theft.” Simpkins, a local talk radio host in his small Ohio town, told his audience in one very quiet, subdued segment on his show this week that he’d “totally take a third Obama term” at this point.

“I may not think Hillary Clinton is the right person to lead this country,” Simpkins said in resignation, “but Donald Trump is an absolute abortion. And as a Republican, you know how I feel about abortion. Then again, I’m not a Trump fan, so you also know that I can be reasonable about it and say that it should be left, safe, secure, private, and rare.”

Simpkins said that over the last several weeks he’d start to feel “bitter and angry” about the 22nd Amendment. That’s the amendment that prohibits more than two consecutive terms to be served as president by anybody. Richard told his audience that while the amendment may seem “prudent” to people who want to “guard against elected monarchies” that ultimately it’s a shortsighted amendment because if there is a “spectacular person that most Americans truly want to be their president” for more than two terms, they cannot be elected.

“That actually seems antithetical to the whole notion of self-governance,” Simpkins said, “and in this case, we even have a situation where I’m not that big a fan of the current two-termer in office, but I’d much prefer him to the two candidates we have now.”

Mr. Simpkins said that he actually could find himself in a position to vote for Hillary Clinton because, in his estimation, “in a lot of ways she’s a Republican.” He said that in terms of economic policies and who Clinton aligns herself with in the business world thanks to the Clinton Foundation, the former Secretary of State has bonafides that “any Republican politician would die for.”

“But, still, I don’t trust her after finding out about the arms deals she used the State Department to help facilitate,” Simpkins said, “so I find her hypocrisy pretty galling there, and yeah, I’d rather go with Obama if I had a choice. I don’t though. I have a constitutional amendment telling me even though I have a healthy, viable candidate who I may not totally agree with but would prefer to the two people foisted on me, I have to choose between them instead of just giving the baton to the same guy one more time.”

With the 22nd Amendment firmly in his way, Simpkins said he’s resigned himself to what his real options are.

“I can vote for an orange fascist who I wouldn’t invite to a family reunion if he was my brother,” Simpkins said, “the very qualified candidate with very questionable judgment from time to time, or I can choose between the third party candidates who have no chance to win and can’t seem to stop themselves from making baffling comments in the press. I won’t sit any election out, because I don’t believe in that, but I gotta be honest folks, I’m not really sure where the hell I’m casting my vote this year.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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