PALUMBO, MISSISSIPPI — Rufus Cornelius Maxwell celebrated what he called a “very special milestone” today. It was four years ago that Adam Lanza, a 20-year-old mentally disturbed man, broke into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, and killed 26 people, 20 of whom were first graders. The nation was shocked and mourned for several days while Congress even flirted with the idea of breaking their “do nothing” policy on gun violence before ultimately deciding that policy was where the country needed to be heading. Or at least that’s the story Rufus says the “lamestream, liberal, fake news media” wants us all to believe.
“Today marks four years since I’ve been a Sandy Hook truther,” Rufus told reporters at a press conference outside his Mississippi single-wide trailer home, “and that’s four solid years of knowing the truth, the whole truth, and being brave enough to be labeled a douchebag for it.”
Mr. Maxwell says that he believes the Sandy Hook massacre was actually a “false flag” perpetrated by “nefarious government agent” in order to scare Americans into giving up their firearms. Maxwell claims to have seen “several convincing photos on the Internet” and “several even more convincing photoshops on 4Chan and Stormfront” that indicate many of the people claiming to have lost their children in the grotesque and savage attack on the school are “just fakers and crisis actors.”
“There was that one woman crying her eyes out, everyone knows that picture,” Rufus said, “but how come she was all balling her eyes out on that day, but then the never next day another woman was photographed all smiling and shit? That seems fishy. Sure, the pictures were taken in two different states, but both women have hair and boobies. So I’d say the burden of proof is on you to prove to me they’re NOT the same women.”
Over the course of the four years since the Sandy Hook attack, or “alleged attack” as he puts it, Rufus said that he’d been called a “douchebag” or some form of it “at least a couple hundred times.”
“As soon as someone finds out I don’t believe Sandy Hook was a real shooting,” Rufus said, “outcomes the douchebag word. I’ve been called some variation of a douchebag at least a couple hundred times. The most common variant is of course, ‘you fucking scumbag asshole douchbag.’ That’s probably my favorite.”
Some reporters asked Rufus if there was any evidence he could potentially see that would change his mind. Autopsy photos of the young victims were suggested, or perhaps crime scene photos. Mr. Maxwell shook his head emphatically.
“Nothing, nothing at all will change my mind,” Rufus said, “I believe what I believe and it’s my God given right to believe it no matter how many so-called facts are presented to me otherwise. All this talk of fake news? Well, there’s a whole big group of us that considers anything we don’t believe fake, and for me it all started that fateful day four years ago when our country’s government decided to perpetrate a false flag attack on our sacred right to own pew-pew shooters.”
As he was leaving to go back inside, one of Maxwell’s neighbors saw him, recognized him, and shouted out to him.
“Good morning, Rufus, you fucking scumbag asshole douchebag! When are you going to move,” the man asked.
Rufus turned and looked at the reporters and gave a knowing shrug.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.