San Bernardino Files Paperwork To Be Declared a Muslim Country

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — The Deputy Assistant Under Secretary’s Clerk of San Bernardino, California told reporters late Wednesday afternoon via conference call that official paperwork has been submitted to register and declare the city as an official Muslim Country.

“As we all know,” Deputy Assistant Shirley Clarkson told the media, “terrorism like we saw today at the Regional Center is only conducted by Muslim terrorists in Muslim countries. We know this because vaunted foreign policy experts like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Ben Carson have told us so.” Clarkson said at an emergency meeting of San Bernardino’s city council it was quickly confirmed that “the city would have to update its charter and register as a full-fledged Muslim country.”

Though Clarkson told the press that the council members understood the identity and therefore motives of the suspects were unknown, they wanted to “err on the side of caution and just presume that this was Muslim, foreign born terrorism and not domestic terrorism perpetrated by American citizens with access to military spec weaponry.” Clarkson said that if it is later determined that this incident was the work of American citizens, and therefore just a “regular, old fashioned American Second Amendment expression” as Clarkson said, the city council would retract its application.

“Again,” Clarkson said, “we know as good, clean American patriots know that terrorists are only from other countries, and really they’re only Muslim now. But, if it does happen to be a very rare exception to the rule and it’s a homegrown terrorist, we’ll simply go back to doing what every American does in the wake of a mass shooting — go out and buy even more guns. Because we all know the only way you climb out of a hole is by digging deeper first.”

This story will be updated as it unfolds.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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