WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over time, the relationship between Thomas Jefferson — one of the nation’s founders and its third president — and his slave by the name of Sally Hemmings has undergone revision after revision among history scholars. Though some still view it in an almost romantic light, many other historians now view Hemmings as a victim of false imprisonment and repeated rape. Some may still call her Jefferson’s “mistress,” but to many she was simply captive and perhaps chose to make the best of the situation she was in while she was in it.
This week, headlines were made when archaeologists discovered Hemmings’ slave quarters in Monticello, the estate Jefferson built in Virginia. In the 1940’s, her room was converted into a bathroom, adding more insult to her situation than perhaps she could have known at the time. But based on a nearly 200 year old description of Hemming’s room, researchers decided to start digging, and eventually they found her quarters, including the brick fireplace and original wood floors.
President Trump today announced that he would like buy Hemmings’ old room and turn it into a special suite for him to rent out, under the Trump Hotels banner.
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“I really think a lot of people in my base would love to stay in Sally Hemming’s quarters,” Trump said, “or at the very least they’d like to stay in Jefferson’s adjacent bedroom and force one of their urban friends to sleep in her quarters. Hell, I just asked Ben Carson, my head urban, of he’d be willing to do it, and you know what? He said to me that he’s willing to do anything to keep getting a paycheck. Says something, you know, about his loyalty, to money?”
Trump said his vision is to turn Hemming’s quarters into a “Dream Suite,” like Disneyland does with a suite above their famous ride “Pirates of the Caribbean.”
“Some lucky MAGA fan will get to stay, or force someone of their choosing to stay, in the quarters for one night,” Trump said, “and they’re just going to love it, love it I tell you.
President Trump said that he’d discussed the idea with co-President Steve Bannon, who told him it was a good idea as well. Bannon told Trump that too many Americans have the wrong idea about slavery. President Bannon told President Trump, according to several sources, that “libtards have done too good a job de-emphasizing the good things about slavery.”
“For starters, it was a truly free market,” Bannon said, “I mean, you know, outside the blacks. But they were just machinery back then, like a washer and dryer or a stove in a restaurant. And hey, business owners today don’t have to feed, shelter, clothe, whip, beat or rape their dishwashers or stoves, do they? So it sounds to me like a case of wanting the government to do for you what your slaver used to.”
Not everyone on Team Trump was behind this proposal, sources say, however. The First Lady apparently raised serious and stiff opposition in a behind closed doors meeting. Shouting could be heard from behind the Oval Office door.
“But Daddy,” a muffled voice could be heard, “you said you were going to buy me the Grand Canyon! I need the Grand Canyon so I have a place big and deep enough to fill with all my morals, scruples, and principles as I enable your hideously oligarchic, anti-democratic, anti-Constitutional agenda, Daddy! How can you afford the Grand Canyon when you’re off buying urban quarters, Daddy?!”
The White House did not comment on this story.
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