GRANT, CONNECTICUT — When 42-year-old self-descrived “free market capitalist economist” Calvin Ryan found out Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) — the man he was supporting for the Republican nomination in this year’s presidential election — would be dumped from Fox Businesses Channel’s next prime time debate stage, he was livid.
“Who the hell does the Republican establishment think they are,” Ryan wrote in a post to his followers on his Facebook page, Totally Biased to the Right, “to insist that only candidates that people want to hear from and would likely vote for should be on the debate stage? Why are they paying attention to what people who vote are saying in terms of who they would vote for? Statist cucks, if you ask me.” Ryan said that “polls only indicate how popular a candidate or his ideas are” and should in no way help determine who “gets to talk about auditing the fed ad nauseum.”
Mr. Ryan further wrote that he would “be once again voting for whoever the Libertarian Party nominates” because at least he can “trust that the LP will put up someone no one but libertarians will vote for because they understand that winning elections might sound like the best way to direct your government, but is actually only the theories of statist libtards and the like.” According to Ryan, even though Senator Rand Paul never even got above 10% in the polls, he should “clearly” be the nominee.
“This is what I don’t get,” Ryan’s screed said, “why does the Republican Party think they should care about nominating someone their constituents would actually vote for? Don’t they know that being popular is something only big government loving, liberty hating commies and socialists do?” Later, Ryan posited that “only real Americans know you should vote for someone with weird hair that when he talks you kind of want to smack the peevishness off his face.”
Ryan told his followers that “it says a lot about the Republican Party that they care more about putting a candidate with a chance to win” on the debate stage more than they “care about letting an ideologue bloviate about the dangers of a central planning.” He said that “this decision makes it clear that the Republican Party will never be what we libertarians want it to be” and that he’d be “making them pay at the ballot box” in November.
“Would it have been so hard to just put one more lectern on the stage,” Ryan asked at the end of his post. “Would it be so difficult for the GOP to just stop all the charades with polls and primaries and give Rand Paul the nomination? Or better yet, why can’t they just call up Rand’s dad and declare him not only the nominee, but the president,” he asked rhetorically. “After all, voting is for sheeple, so they should just ask us libertarians what should happen and then we’ll tell you all how to live your lives, which is like you know, way different than when we lose elections and we have to live under what people who we didn’t vote for decide.”