Ruth Bader Ginsburg: ‘You’d Have to be On Something to Spend 8 Hours a Day With Those Assholes Too’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently made a splash when she admitted that during President Barack Obama’s 2015 State of the Union address she was not “100 percent sober” and that likely contributed to her quite famously nodding off during the speech. In a follow-up to her comments given at George Washington University, Ginsburg — the 81-year-old stalwart defender of the liberal side of the high court — gave some more clarification on her state of sobriety during last month’s speech, as well as her level of sobriety in general.

“The bottom line,” Ginsburg said while at a dinner held by the Association of Legal Beagles last week, “is that you’d have to be on something to spend eight hours a day with those assholes too.” When asked who exactly she meant by “those assholes,” Ginsburg said, “All of them. The other Supreme Court Justices, Congress, the President. Pretty much anyone whose job it is to take a paycheck from the American people while also simultaneously ignoring the American people. Assholes, you know?”

Did Ginsburg mean to lump her other liberal justices in with the conservative ones? “Of course, I did. But that’s not to say they’re the same kinds of assholes that Scalia and Thomas are,” the irascible Justice told our reporter. “I mean, it takes a certain kind of d-bag to benefit from Federal anti-discrimination laws and then to turn around and deny protection to another minority group. And don’t get me started on the level of douchebaggery it takes to be alive in 2015 and still think gay marriage leads to pedophilia and bestiality.”

We asked Justice Ginsburg why she’s still on the bench if she’s so tired of dealing with everyone else, to which she replied, “I’m no hater. I can even get along with John ‘Money is Speech’ Roberts, no matter how dumb his thoughts on the Constitution are. It’s just,” Ginsburg said, “I need my Ruthie’s Little Helper sometimes, that’s all.”

Was Justice Ginsburg ever drunk or tipsy during a Supreme Court hearing? “I’m not at liberty to say. But if you had to sit in a room with Antonin Scalia bloviating about what the Founders would have wanted done about the right to marry for all adults for a few hours, you’d at least be tempted to be on some kind of mind-altering chemical, believe-you-me.” We asked if she has any plans to retire soon, to which Ginsburg laughed heartily and said, “Scalia and I are clearly locked in a death match, and I’m not going anywhere while that Constitutional Orignialist bastard is still out there pontificating about ‘abortiafacents” and all other kind of kooky horseshit.”

So what’s Ginsburg’s drink of choice? She was drinking wine with the other justices on the night of the State of the Union, but she says she also sometimes needs something a little different. “I’m not going to outright call myself a Rastafarian, but let’s put it this way,” Ginsburg said, “when you’re staring down the barrel of listening Clarence Thomas extol the virtues of a society where no one is protected from the tyranny of discrimination after he most definitely benefited from such governmental applications himself, Chronic and Tonic is the only way to go, if you ask me.”

We asked Ginsburg if she knows of any of the other justices being less than sober from time to time. “You take a look at the opinions written by Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas in the last five years or so, and you tell me if you think one or all three of them is hitting the glass dick harder than Marion Barry with fifty extra bucks in his hip pocket.” Ginsberg then dropped the phone receiver and said, “Ginsburg, out.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was appointed to the Supreme Court by President Bill Clinton in 1993. All Supreme Court appointments are lifetime positions, though justices can be impeached, and they are free to retire from the bench whenever they see fit.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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