Russian Pimp Pledges Portion of Piss Whore Proceeds to President Trump’s Legal Defense Fund

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Vladimir Romanov is a 48-year-old Russian pimp. He’s been managing sex workers in Moscow for twenty years, he says, and Mr. Romanov says that he is a “bigly Trump fan.”

“How can I not love the Donald,” Vladimir asked us as he sipped coffee, “he’s personally put six of my beautiful children into the finest schools this country has to offer. All my ladies love him; he pays handsomely, which is a relief because that’s the only time the words ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘handsome’ will ever, ever go to together, comrade.”

Mr. Romanov told us that he’s on the Trump campaign’s mailing list, but he was quick to tell us he did not donate any money “directly” to Trump. Instead, he said he signed up to be on the mailing list for “other reasons.” This week, Vladimir said he got a fundraising letter from the GOP and Trump’s campaign that made him quite nervous for his own financial future, and so he’s decided to help Temporary President Trump in a most unique way.

The Chicago Tribune reports on the fundraising letter, below:

“You already knew the media was out to get us,” the email begins. “But sadly it’s not just the fake news …

“There are people within our own unelected bureaucracy that want to sabotage President Trump and our entire America First movement,” it continued. (source)

“The letter said that the Democrats and the libtarded press are going to be going after President Trump quite hard,” Vladimir explained, “and that he is going to need a robust legal defense fund. I am pledging to set aside a substantial portion of the proceeds from my fabulous piss whore stable to Mr. Trump’s legal defense fund.”

Vladimir told us that while he would have thought that “such big, rich, powerful man like Trump would not need help paying for his own lawyers,” he is still happy to help.

“Who knows,” Mr. Romanov mused, “perhaps he’s unwilling to share his tax returns because then people will see much of what he considers his vast wealth is just smoke and mirrors? I do not know. All I know is that if we are going to make Russia great again, we have to keep our little puppet on the stage awhile longer.”

Romanov says that he doesn’t consider himself a patriot so much as a practical businessman.

“Trump has been coming here to Russia for money for his businesses since the Great Recession,” Vladimir said, “and since most American banks have known for quite some time what a bad risk he is, he’s going to be coming back here a long time. If I want to put my children through college, I need to make sure he can travel freely and isn’t in prison for obstruction of justice or even light treason. My piss whores need work, and he can provide it. So really it’s a case of Survival of the Pissiest.”

The White House could not be reached for comment.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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