Rudy: “Trump Always Tells the Truth Unless He’s Lying But Then He’s Telling The Truth Unless He’s Not In Which Case He Is or Is Not Lying”

9/11 TOWN, USA — During a radio interview on WKKK, Kentucky’s leading conservative talk radio station, President Donald Trump’s attorney attempted to explain to host Chip London when the American people could trust that his client was telling them the truth.

“Chip, this is all so silly, so very silly. By virtue of him being president, it’s actually impossible for him to lie,” Rudy Giuliani told London from his 9/11 Town high-rise apartment. “Because presidents have to lie all the time as a matter of national security and/or to keep their sexual dalliances with porn stars on the hush-hush. So really, it’s a moot point.”

London half-heartedly pressed Giuliani to be more specific about when Trump lies.

“President Trump always tells the truth unless he’s lying but then he’s telling truth unless he’s not, in which case he is or is not lying,” Giuliani said without hesitation. “Couldn’t be any simpler if I drew it on the back of a cocktail napkin, rolled it up, and put it in my pee-pee hole like I love to pay women in their mid-fifties to do for me while I watch re-runs of Dragnet with my balls in a slingshot, pulled back just to the point of — you know what? That might be TMI, the Dragnet thing. Sorry.”

London told Giuliani not to even worry about it.

“All I’m saying is, frankly, I don’t understand where people get off caring about whether their president lies or not,” Giuliani said. “The last guy lied for eight years about how he wasn’t going to put everyone in FEMA camps to get forced gay married only to be made to make babies with people who weren’t married to just so you could be forced into an abortion while they broke into your house to steal all your guns, remember? Remember how he lied about all that time, how HE did, and not like, all of you guys listening out there?”

Chip agreed and said he remembered how the last guy did that, for sure.

“It’s kinda creepy that they want to micromanage their president so much to the point they want to know if he’s lying right to their faces or not,” Giuliani said. “It’s just so sad. Now, do you have about seven or eight segments we can devote to you asking me why I was so great during the whole 9/11 thing, or as I like to call it, ‘Rudy’s Turn to Shine,’ Chip?”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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