Rudy Giuliani Says Darth Vader Should Be Commended for Hunting Down, Murdering Jedis

Rudy Giuliani believes in the rule of law so much he doesn't care if officers break it.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Taking time out from a “4,926 Days Since 9/11” luncheon, former New York Mayor Rudy “9/11” Giuliani told reporters he “respects law enforcement so much” he thinks that Darth Vader should have been commended for hunting down and murdering all the Jedi in the galaxy. This comes hot on the heels of Giuliani making eyebrow-raising comments to the same effect about former Ferguson, Missouri police officer Darren Wilson, who made national headlines last year when he gunned down unarmed, black teenager Michael Brown after an altercation that according to his own grand jury testimony Wilson had at least somewhat provoked. Giuliani said in a recent interview that Wilson “did his duty” and “should be commended for what he did” in the streets of Ferguson last summer.

Many critics felt that Giuliani’s comments struck a tone deaf tone. According to Giuliani though, the fact that Department of Justice’s report on Ferguson PD said there wasn’t enough evidence to clearly demonstrate that Brown’s hands were up, Brown had “committed a robbery, attempted to assault a police officer, and the police officer — to save his life — shot him.” The question of whether or not Brown’s hands were up was hotly contested, with several eyewitnesses debunking the official state version of the story that Brown didn’t actually have his hands up. Regardless of that situation, the grand jury found there wasn’t enough evidence to send the case to a trial, and that touched off days of protests that sometimes turned violent, as police and the citizens of Ferguson clearly have mutual trust issues with each other.

Giuliani, a former Federal prosecutor, has often defended the use of police force, so his comments about Wilson are likely not surprising to anyone who has heard him speak in the last couple of years. His pronouncement of support for the Dark Lord of The Sith this week however, shows just how much he reveres law and order. “Look,” Giuliani said at the luncheon, “during 9/11, you know, when I was mayor, we learned just how vital and important our first responders are. Oh, not vital and important enough to give free health care to for the rest of their lives, since many of them would need it after being exposed to caustic and toxic chemicals trying valiantly to save lives, but you get what I’m saying. The point is I respect the rule of law, and there was a time in this country when we all did.”

When asked by reporters why he’d support Lord Vader’s murderous conquest of the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic, Giuliani said “They key word in that question is ‘old.’ At the time of his crusade to wipe out all the Jedi, the Empire was in charge. The Emperor was writing the laws, and Vader was acting as his duly-appointed officer of those laws.” The Republican reminded reporters that “being a Jedi was outlawed by Order 66” and that from that point on “Jedi had to know their lifestyle choices were going to get them into trouble.”

“Without the rule of law, it’ll be like 9/11 everywhere. And trust me, I know about 9/11. We don’t want a bunch of 9/11’s happening all over the place. I mean, I can’t be mayor of every town, can I,” asked Giuliani. “The rule of law is all that matters. Not who gets trampled on, unfairly harassed, or even killed. Law. That’s all that matters. Once a law is written, it’s set in stone and anyone violating it should consider their life forfeit, just like the Constitution says.”

“At the end of the day, whether it’s Darth Vader hunting down and murdering Jedi, or it’s Darren Wilson tossing out constitutional procedures while he provokes and later murders a kid in the streets, both men were just doing what asked of them. You know, just following orders,” Giuliani said. “How can we blame anyone for just following orders, for following the law of the land?” Reporters asked if extra-judicial execution is really the law of the land, or if it was a misinterpretation and twisting of authority into an all-powerful entity that was above reproach.

Giuliani considered the question for a moment then said, “9/11.”

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